Relational-depth practice

1. Introduction

Version followed: Mearns & Cooper, Working at Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy, 2nd edition (Sage, 2018; Cooper revised it after Mearns retired), read against the 2005 first edition. The therapist-development exercises come from Cooper's chapter "Experiencing relational depth: exercises and reflections" (in Knox, Murphy, Wiggins & Cooper, eds, Relational Depth: New Perspectives and Developments, Palgrave, 2013; I read the 2012 proof). [source: Sage 2e front matter and preface; Strathprints 3327; Cooper 2012 proof]

What it is. Relational-depth practice is not a separate therapy with a manual. It is a way of relating, and a set of therapist capacities, that grew out of person-centred therapy. Mearns first wrote about it in the 1990s. Mearns and Cooper offer it to practitioners of every orientation as a common factor. A meeting at relational depth is a state of profound contact and engagement in which "each person is fully real with the other" (Mearns & Cooper 2005, quoted in the 2e preface). The term covers both single moments of deep connection and an ongoing quality of depth in a relationship. The authors stress that these moments cannot be manufactured: the therapist can make them more likely but cannot make them happen. [source: 2e preface; Cooper 2012 proof]

How change is thought to happen. Mearns and Cooper treat chronic relational disconnection as a common route into distress, including loneliness, depression, suicidality, anxiety and interpersonal conflict. Early misattunement leaves people with generalised expectations of how relationships go, which Stern calls RIGs. It also leaves them with "chronic strategies of disconnection" (Jordan) that once protected them but now keep them alone. A harsh, objectifying way of relating to oneself ("I–Me") creates disowned or "subjugated" parts of the self. Meeting a therapist at depth is thought to help in four ways:

• the client's wish for connection is recognised and met;
• the client becomes aware of how they disconnect;
• new expectations and ways of relating can form;
• the client can take in a more accepting, empathic way of relating to themselves ("I–I"), which lets their parts talk to one another.

Deep contact also lets the client explore what feels most fundamental to their existence. In the 2nd edition Cooper is more pluralist: relational depth is valuable, but neither the only route to change nor always good for every client. [source: 2e ch. 2 sample PDF; 2e preface]

2. Framework

No manualised phases. The sources do not set out fixed stages, session counts or rules for moving from one phase to the next. What follows is a working frame I have assembled from how the book is organised and from its case chapters. [synthesis; structure inferred from the 2e contents and index, chapters 4–7 not drawn on in full, so treat details as [uncertain]]

Format and length. Individual therapy with no fixed duration. The case material ranges from short contacts to long-term work, and depth can occur in early sessions. The sources give no session norms. [uncertain] The concept also applies in groups and encounter groups, in supervision and in training. [source: 2e index: encounter groups 175–8, supervision 178–81]

Moving between phases. The client leads. The therapist offers depth and invites it but never forces it. When a client retreats to the surface, the therapist reads that as information about safety, not as failure. [source: Cooper 2012 proof, "cannot be contrived"; synthesis on criteria]

3. Guiding principles

Sources for this section: 2e preface; Figure 3.1; ch. 2 sample PDF; 2e index for chapter 7–8 themes; Cooper 2005; Cooper 2012 proof; McMillan & McLeod 2007. Where only an index entry was seen, the wording of the meaning line is mine. [synthesis/uncertain flagged]

• Presence = receptivity + expressivity. Figure 3.1 of the 2e places therapist presence where receptivity (taking the client in) and expressivity (letting yourself be seen) meet. Meaning: in each session, check both whether you are letting this person in and whether you are letting them see you.
• The core conditions at high intensity, experienced together. Cooper's therapists described heightened empathy, acceptance and congruence happening at once, which he calls "co-presence". Meaning: depth is not a new technique. It comes from turning the core conditions up, and they should feel like one thing.
• Relational depth cannot be contrived. Meaning: never set depth as a target for a session, and never stage intimacy. Create the conditions and let depth arrive.
• Meeting the whole person (I–Thou, confirmation). This draws on Buber's I–Thou relating and his idea of confirming the other. Meaning: relate to the client as a unique subject, not a case. Affirm who they are, as well as what they have done. [index: I–Thou 39, 49, 52; confirmation 53–4]
• Genuine care rather than neutrality or pseudocaring. Meaning: let real warmth and concern show. Feigned or professionalised caring undermines depth. [index: genuine care 136–8; pseudocaring 137; neutrality 136] [uncertain: wording inferred]
• Letting go of aims, assumptions and techniques. Meaning: put down your agenda, your theory-driven assumptions and any formulaic method for the moment, so you can meet what is actually here. [index: aims 140–2; un-knowing 142–3; techniques 143–4; "genuinely unfinished openness" 143]
• Holistic listening. Meaning: take in the whole person (words, body, silence, what is unspoken) rather than picking out themes to reflect. [index: holistic listening 147]
• Multidirectional partiality. Meaning: be on the side of every part of the client equally, including the parts that resist change. [index 147–9]
• Transparency and willingness to be impacted. Meaning: let the client see that they affect you, and take the risk of being visible and spontaneous. [Cooper 2005 "impact"; index: transparency 47–8, 153; openness 149–51]
• Mutuality without symmetry. Meaning: depth may feel two-way, but the client may experience it as inward self-discovery. Do not assume they feel what you feel. [McMillan & McLeod 2007; 2e preface]
• Respect the client's pace and fragile process. Meaning: depth on the client's terms. With fragile or dissociated process, closeness can feel invasive, so earn the right first. [index: fragile process 73, 76, 135; invasion 77, 124–5; ch. 6 title]
• The therapist's self-acceptance is the foundation. Meaning: you can only meet a client's frightening places if you can meet your own. Do the personal development work. [ch. 8; index: self-acceptance 167–72]
• Know your own chronic strategies of disconnection. Meaning: identify how you habitually pull away (humour, intellectualising, passivity, rescuing) and watch for them in session. [Cooper 2012 proof; Cooper & Knox 2017]
• Pluralism. Meaning: depth is one valuable pathway among others. Some clients want or need something else, such as skills, advice or distance, and that is legitimate. [2e preface; Cooper 2012 proof]
• Depth is not always benign. Meaning: watch for clients left wanting more, and for strong love or anger taking hold. Manage boundaries actively. [McMillan & McLeod 2007; 2e preface]

4. Intervention inventory

How this inventory was built. The full text of chapters 4–8 of the book is not drawn on. Each entry below is named and placed using the contents and index:

• the 2e contents page and index, with page numbers;
• Figure 3.1 (presence, receptivity, expressivity);
• the ch. 2 sample;
• Cooper's 2005 study;
• Cooper's 2013 exercises chapter, which I read in full as a proof.

The steps are my own operational wording of those themes [synthesis] unless a specific source is tagged. Anything that rests only on an index heading is marked [uncertain]. All example language is illustrative and is not the authors' wording. The authors present these as ways of being that make depth more likely, not as techniques that guarantee it.

A. In-session practices: receptivity

4.1 Building safety and trust ("earning the right")

• Purpose / when: From the first session, and above all with clients who are traumatised, mistrustful, fragile or withdrawn. Depth needs a client who can trust that the therapist is solid. [index: safety 135–6; trust 133, 135–6; solidity 136; ch. 6 title]
• Steps:
  1. Be predictable: same time, same room, same way of starting.
  2. Accept surface material fully. Do not dig for "real" issues.
  3. Show that you can stay with the client's distress, hostility or silence without getting anxious, retaliating or withdrawing.
  4. Leave the client in control of how near and how deep things go. Offer, don't push.
  5. Over weeks, notice small tests (late arrival, a provocative remark, a disclosure followed by retreat) and pass them by staying steady.
• Example language (illustrative): "We can go at whatever pace suits you. I'm not going anywhere." / "You don't have to tell me more than you want to."
• Watch for: Your own impatience to "get to depth". Over-eager warmth that the client feels as invasion. Working: the client volunteers more, checks how you react and then goes on, and refers back to earlier sessions. [synthesis]

4.2 Expressing genuine care

• Purpose / when: Throughout. Mearns and Cooper set genuine, felt care against professional neutrality and against "pseudocaring". [index: genuine care 136–8; pseudocaring 137; warmth] [uncertain: details]
• Steps:
  1. Let real concern show in your voice and face.
  2. Name your care when it is true and relevant to the moment.
  3. Check that what you say matches what you feel. Do not voice care you don't feel.
  4. Watch whether the client can take it in.
• Example language (illustrative): "I find I'm really concerned about you this week."
• Watch for: Care used to soothe yourself or to steer the client ("cheering up" is indexed as something to let go of, 140–1). Clients from abusive backgrounds may read care as a threat at first. Working: the client seems to receive it rather than deflect it. [synthesis]

4.3 Letting go of aims

• Purpose / when: Whenever you notice you are steering toward an outcome: getting the client to feel better, reach insight, have a breakthrough, or even reach depth. [index: aims/goals 140–2; cheering up 140–1]
• Steps:
  1. Before the session, notice any agenda you are carrying, such as last week's theme or a hoped-for change.
  2. Set it down consciously. In the room, if you find yourself pushing, slow down and come back to following.
  3. Respond to what the client is doing now, not to where you think they ought to go.
• Example language (illustrative): "Where are you right now, as you sit here?"
• Watch for: Letting go of aims is not the same as dropping any agreed contract or ignoring risk. Working: sessions feel less effortful, and the client sets the direction. [synthesis] [uncertain: how the chapter squares this with agreed goals]

4.4 Letting go of assumptions ("un-knowing")

• Purpose / when: When you catch yourself filling the client in with theory, stereotypes or earlier formulations. [index: assumptions/anticipations 142–3; un-knowing 142–3; "genuinely unfinished openness" 143; stereotypes 143; bracketing 141, 143]
• Steps:
  1. Notice an assumption: "she's avoidant", "this is about his father".
  2. Bracket it. Hold it lightly as one possibility.
  3. Ask yourself what you do not yet know about this person.
  4. Ask about the client's own meaning, or reflect it, rather than supplying yours.
• Example language (illustrative): "I realise I'd assumed that was painful for you. What is it actually like?"
• Watch for: Diagnostic labels shaping how you hear the client. Working: you are surprised by the client more often. [synthesis]

4.5 Letting go of techniques and methods

• Purpose / when: When reflecting, questioning or any other method has become formulaic and stands between you and the client. Cooper criticises training habits such as "sit upright", "reflect" and "don't ask questions" for making practice unspontaneous. [Cooper 2012 proof; index: techniques/methods 143–4; instrumental non-directivity 144; two-chair dialogue, focusing, CBT 144]
• Steps:
  1. Use a method only if it serves this client now, not because your model prescribes it.
  2. Allow spontaneous responses, including questions, information or (rarely) advice, when the client needs them. Cooper says engagement should vary with what clients need.
  3. Return to plain, person-to-person speech.
• Example language (illustrative): "Can I just say something as me, not as your counsellor? That landed hard."
• Watch for: "Letting go" turning into careless or self-indulgent practice. Working: less of what you say sounds scripted, and the client answers you personally. [Cooper 2012 proof; steps are synthesis]

4.6 Using questions sparingly and genuinely

• Purpose / when: The index lists questions (138–9) and interpretations (139) in chapter 7, beside reflecting back (138–40). Questions can invite depth or keep things at the surface. [uncertain: what the chapter says in detail]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Ask only what you genuinely want to know.
  2. Prefer open questions about present experience to questions that gather information.
  3. Avoid stacked questions and interpretations that put your meaning in place of theirs.
• Example language (illustrative): "What's it like to say that out loud to me?"
• Watch for: Questions used to fill silence or to manage your own anxiety. [synthesis]

4.7 Holistic listening

• Purpose / when: At all times, and above all when the client's words and presence don't match. This means taking in the whole person instead of picking out content to reflect. In Cooper's study, empathy reached the client's whole self, conflicting parts included, and was sometimes felt in the body. [index: holistic listening 147; listening 145–7; "red thread" 146; silence; Cooper 2005; Sage book description names holistic listening as a key concept]
• Steps:
  1. Relax your attention so you are not scanning for a feeling-word to reflect.
  2. Take in the words, voice, posture, what is left out, the atmosphere, and your own bodily response.
  3. Listen for the "red thread", the theme that runs underneath (index 146) [uncertain: exact meaning].
  4. Let silence work. Don't fill it.
  5. When you respond, speak to the whole person, not one fragment.
• Example language (illustrative): "You're telling me it's fine, and at the same time something in you seems very tired."
• Watch for: Over-selecting the dramatic content. Working: the client feels "felt" (index: feeling felt 59, 63, 68) and goes deeper of their own accord. [synthesis on steps]

4.8 Multidirectional partiality

• Purpose / when: When the client has conflicting parts or voices ("configurations of self"), especially parts that resist change ("not-for-growth" configurations). The therapist is for each part equally. The term comes from family therapy (Boszormenyi-Nagy) [uncertain: origin]. [index: multidirectional partiality 147–9; multiple voices 147–9; growthful and not-for-growth configurations 148–9; resistance 148; motivational interviewing / change talk 149]
• Steps:
  1. Notice when the client speaks from different parts ("part of me wants to stop drinking, another part…").
  2. Give each part the same empathy and acceptance. Pay particular attention to the part that wants to stay the same, since it usually protects something.
  3. Don't side with the "growthful" part against the rest, because that drives the other part underground.
  4. Help the parts hear one another, so the client relates to all of them in an I–I way. [ch. 2: building bridges between subjugated selves and the adult self]
• Example language (illustrative): "So there's the part of you that knows the drinking is hurting you, and there's the part that really needs it. I'd like to understand that second part as well."
• Watch for: Covertly allying with the part you prefer, the way change-talk-only listening can. Working: parts that have been hidden come into the room, and the client stops defending. [synthesis]

4.9 Openness to being impacted

• Purpose / when: Throughout. In Cooper's study, therapists felt affected, touched or changed by clients at moments of depth. [Cooper 2005; index: openness 149–51; encounter 150–1; Schmid 150–1; sexual attraction 150]
• Steps:
  1. Let the client's experience reach you instead of holding it at arm's length.
  2. Notice your own responses as they come: being moved, unsettled, drawn in, or attracted.
  3. Use these as information. Decide whether to voice them (4.11) or to take them to supervision.
• Example language (illustrative): "I notice I'm quite moved by what you've just told me."
• Watch for: Being flooded (risk of secondary traumatisation, index 87), and attraction. Take attraction to supervision and do not disclose it to the client [synthesis]. Working: the client sees that they matter to you. [synthesis]

4.10 Clearing distractions and sustaining presence

• Purpose / when: Before and during sessions, to keep your attention free. The index lists concentration and distractions (151–2) and a "PRESENCE acronym" (151–2). [uncertain: the acronym's letters are unverified, so it is not reproduced]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Arrive a few minutes early.
  2. Note what is on your mind and set it aside, perhaps by writing it down.
  3. Take a few slow breaths and feel your body in the chair.
  4. In session, notice when your attention drifts and come back without blaming yourself.
• Example language: none. This is internal.
• Watch for: Fatigue, too many clients in a day, and "staying fresh" over long-term work (index 126–7). [synthesis]

B. In-session practices: expressivity

4.11 Transparency and self-involving responses

• Purpose / when: When your real experience of the client is relevant and showing it would deepen contact. Therapists in Cooper's study felt more spontaneous, more willing to take risks and more transparent at moments of depth. [Cooper 2005; index: transparency 47–8, 153, 159; self-involving statements 153; expressivity 152–9; self-awareness 152–3]
• Steps:
  1. Notice what you are feeling about the client or in response to them.
  2. Check your motive: is this for the client or for you?
  3. Say it briefly, in the first person, as your experience and not a fact about them.
  4. Hand the focus straight back to the client and watch what they do with it.
• Example language (illustrative): "When you said that, I felt sad, and a bit shut out. I wonder what it's like for you."
• Watch for: Burdening the client, and disclosures that put you at the centre. Working: the client responds to you as a person and comes closer. [synthesis on steps]

4.12 Self-disclosure

• Purpose / when: Occasionally, when telling a fact or experience from your own life would help the client feel less alone or less ashamed. The index covers self-disclosure (47–8, 58, 137, 152, 153–8) and vulnerabilities (155–7). [uncertain: the authors' specific guidelines]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Disclose only experience you have worked through.
  2. Keep it short.
  3. Link it to the client's experience.
  4. Return the focus to the client.
  5. Afterwards, check how it landed.
• Example language (illustrative): "I've known some of that kind of loss myself, so I have a little sense of it. What is it like for you?"
• Watch for: The client starting to look after you. Any role reversal. [synthesis]

4.13 Immediacy: here-and-now relating and metacommunication

• Purpose / when: When something is happening between you (distance, tension, closeness, a pattern of disconnection) that is not being said. This is "the unspoken relationship" (Mearns' term). [index: here-and-now 152–9; immediacy 153; metacommunication 91; unspoken relationship 159; McMillan & McLeod citing Mearns 2003]
• Steps:
  1. Notice the relational process. For example, the client jokes whenever things get close.
  2. Name it tentatively, as your own observation.
  3. Invite the client's view of what is happening between you.
  4. Explore together without defending yourself.
• Example language (illustrative): "I notice that each time we get near something tender, one of us makes a joke. I'm part of that too. What do you make of it?"
• Watch for: Overuse, so that the relationship becomes the only topic. Clients who feel exposed by it. Working: patterns that went unspoken become shared and can be talked about. [synthesis]

4.14 Repairing ruptures and owning mistakes

• Purpose / when: After a misattunement, a withdrawal or a conflict. Chapter 2 treats repair of ruptures as central to healthy development and says the therapist need not always be right. [ch. 2 sample p. 36; index: alliance ruptures 156; mistakes 47, 93, 95, 125, 156]
• Steps:
  1. Notice the signs: the client goes flat or quiet, becomes compliant or angry, or misses a session.
  2. Raise it gently.
  3. Own your part without excessive apology.
  4. Invite the client's experience of it.
  5. Stay with their response.
• Example language (illustrative): "I think I missed you last time when I moved on so quickly. Did it feel like that?"
• Watch for: A repaired rupture often deepens the relationship. Unrepaired ones confirm the client's RIGs. [synthesis]

C. Working at depth over time and with particular clients

4.15 Moving from the surface to engagement (existential questioning)

• Purpose / when: In chapter 4, an ongoing relationship at depth lets the therapist reach parts of the client that surface work misses. The index distinguishes surface-level and rehearsed material from engagement, existential questioning and fresh self-referent statements. [index: surface level 72–3, 78–81; engagement 78–84; existential questioning 80–4; rehearsed material 81; self-referent statements 81–2; introjections 80–3] [uncertain: details]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Notice when the client is giving a well-worn account, the story they have told many times.
  2. Respond warmly but don't feed the rehearsed story. Pick up the fresh, less certain self-statements at its edges.
  3. Make room for existential questions about who the client is, what matters, and what they have taken on from others (introjections).
  4. Stay with dissonances: the places where the client's self-concept and experience don't fit.
• Example language (illustrative): "You've said 'I've always been the strong one' a few times. I'm wondering who you are when you're not being strong."
• Watch for: Pushing too fast can make the client defend. Working: the client speaks more slowly and tentatively, and says things like "I've never said this before." [synthesis]

4.16 Working with configurations of self

• Purpose / when: When a client's distress or "stuckness" is held in by competing parts. The Dominic case (ch. 5, a "partial" drunk) is used to show this. Configurations of self is a Mearns concept (Mearns & Thorne). [index: configurations of self 95; process directions 100–1, 114; focusing 93–4, 110, 116; dissonances 109, 117; I–I and I–Me stances 95, 110, 113; inner critic 113; ch. 2 sample p. 39] [uncertain: case details]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Listen for the client's own names for their parts and use those names.
  2. Relate to each configuration on its own terms (see 4.8).
  3. Follow the client's "process direction", the way their experiencing seems to be moving, rather than imposing one.
  4. Where it helps, invite the client to sense inwardly in a focusing-oriented way what a part is like or needs (Gendlin-style focusing is indexed in ch. 5).
  5. Encourage an I–I relationship between the client and the critical or disowned parts.
• Example language (illustrative): "When 'the drinker' takes over, what does he give you that nothing else does?"
• Watch for: Reifying parts as if they were separate people. Pushing integration before every part has been heard. Working: the client's inner talk softens and parts start to cooperate. [synthesis]

4.17 Reviewing recordings with the client (IPR-style)

• Purpose / when: The index lists recording and taping (90–1, 109, 117), Interpersonal Process Recall (Kagan; 81, 91) and metacommunication (91) in the ch. 5 case. This suggests sessions were recorded and reviewed together to reach experiences that were not voiced at the time. [uncertain: whether and how Mearns used this with Dominic was not confirmed]
• Steps (synthesis, following standard IPR practice):
  1. Get informed consent to record, with clear storage and deletion arrangements.
  2. Replay a segment together. Either of you can stop the tape.
  3. Ask what the client was experiencing at that moment but did not say, including how they experienced you.
  4. Share your own unspoken experience where it helps.
• Example language (illustrative): "Let's stop there. What was going on for you just then that didn't get said?"
• Watch for: Shame at hearing oneself. Data-protection duties. [synthesis]

4.18 Pre-therapy contact reflections

• Purpose / when: With clients whose psychological contact is impaired, such as mutism, dissociation, psychosis, severe trauma or learning disabilities. Mearns and Cooper draw on Prouty's pre-therapy in the case of Rick, a traumatised, mute veteran (ch. 6). [index: pre-therapy 102, 123, 132, 140; Prouty 76, 123; contact reflections 123; situational reflections 123; mutism 119–25; learning difficulties 139; psychosis 78, 139] [uncertain: the full taxonomy below is Prouty's and is not confirmed in the sources]
• Steps (per Prouty's method, in my words):
  1. Offer simple, concrete reflections of what is observable:
     • the situation: what is around the client;
     • the client's facial expression;
     • the client's body posture or movement;
     • the client's exact words, including fragments.
  2. Repeat (reiterate) any reflection that seemed to make contact.
  3. Go slowly and stop if the client seems overwhelmed.
  4. As contact comes back, move gradually to ordinary empathic responding.
• Example language (illustrative): "You're sitting by the window. It's raining." / "Your hands are holding each other tightly." / "'Can't.' You said 'can't'."
• Watch for: Talking down to the client. Too much stimulation. Working: more eye contact, words or responsiveness. [Prouty taxonomy as secondary knowledge; synthesis]

4.19 Staying with a withdrawn or mute client

• Purpose / when: When a client says little or nothing for long stretches. The Rick case shows earning the right to work at depth by staying consistently present. [index: mutism 119–25; silence 112, 116–17, 126; contact rhythm 126; staying fresh 126–7; imagination 127; supervision 127–8; Thorne 127] [uncertain: details]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Keep the frame steady.
  2. Find a "contact rhythm" that suits the client: how often you speak, how long silences last, where your gaze rests.
  3. Keep your attention alive. Use imagination and supervision so you don't go numb or give up.
  4. Make occasional small offers of contact without demanding a reply.
• Example language (illustrative): "I'm happy to sit here with you. You don't need to say anything."
• Watch for: Burnout and withdrawal on your side. Pressure from services to "show progress". Working: small changes such as the client arriving earlier, a nod, a single word. [synthesis]

4.20 Thinking about the therapeutic context and suitability

• Purpose / when: At intake and when circumstances change. Chapter 4 discusses inpatients, outpatients, therapeutic communities, play therapy, psychoanalytic settings, medication, and when depth work suits the client. [index: therapeutic context 75–8, 125–6; suitability 77–8; inpatients 76–7; medication 76, 126, 165–6; manic episodes 78; Wisconsin project 75–6] [uncertain: details]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Assess the client's current capacity for contact and how fragile their process is.
  2. Ask whether the setting can hold depth: length of stay, continuity, privacy.
  3. Adjust intensity to fit. Choose stabilising contact rather than deep engagement where the client is acutely unwell or depth would feel invasive.
  4. Coordinate with the wider team where relevant.
• Watch for: Offering depth that the setting can't sustain, for example just before discharge. [synthesis]

4.21 Working with the client's own chronic strategies of disconnection

• Purpose / when: When the client's distress involves isolation or relationships that keep failing. Chapter 2 suggests therapy helps by making disconnecting behaviours visible and offering a relationship in which the wish to connect is met. Cooper & Knox identified seven forms, including behavioural and mental withdrawal, passivity, insincerity, humour and hostility. [ch. 2 sample pp. 36–39]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Gently explore the client's relational history and current connections, focusing on quality rather than quantity.
  2. Notice how the client's strategies of disconnection show up with you.
  3. Name them tentatively in the here and now (4.13).
  4. Explore what each strategy protects.
  5. Support small experiments in staying connected, inside and outside sessions.
• Example language (illustrative): "I've noticed you go quiet and agree with me when you might be disagreeing. Is that something you do with other people too?"
• Watch for: Shaming the client about protections that were once necessary. Working: the client stays in contact through moments of tension. [synthesis]

D. Therapist development practices

Mearns and Cooper treat the capacity for depth as something the therapist develops through "the therapist's developmental agenda" (ch. 8). Cooper's 2013 exercises put this into practice. The exercises below (4.22–4.27) come from Cooper's chapter, and the steps are summarised in my words. Cooper's cautions apply to all of them:

• They can stir up strong feelings. Do only the ones you are comfortable with, and have someone to debrief with if you work alone.
• They are invitations to explore, not recipes for creating depth.

[source: Cooper 2012 proof]

4.22 Reviewing relational connections

• Purpose: To see how the quality of each encounter affects your mood.
• Steps:
  1. Look back over the morning's encounters, real or imagined.
  2. Rate how connected each one felt and note its effect on you.
  3. In pairs, take about 10 minutes each.
• Watch for: Patterns in which encounters feel nourishing or draining. [Cooper 2012 proof]

4.23 Experiencing relational depth

• Purpose: To recognise depth from the inside.
• Steps:
  1. Ask yourself how you would know you were deeply connected: what you would feel, how the other person would seem, what the atmosphere would be.
  2. Recall past deep connections. You can express them through drawing or poetry.
  3. Compare your experience with the research findings.
  4. In pairs, explore "how would we know?" for about 15 minutes.
• Watch for: Idealising depth. [Cooper 2012 proof]

4.24 A life without relational depth

• Purpose: To feel what chronic disconnection is like, building empathy for isolated clients and seeing how depth relates to wellbeing.
• Steps:
  1. Sit or lie quietly and imagine a life with no deep connections.
  2. Rate how far you agree that chronic disconnection is the main source of distress (Jordan et al.), thinking of yourself and of clients.
  3. Share and discuss in pairs.
• Watch for: This exercise can bring up strong distress. Ch. 2 reports workshop participants feeling meaninglessness, disorientation and terror. [Cooper 2012 proof; ch. 2 sample p. 18–19]

4.25 Mapping your own strategies of disconnection

• Purpose: To identify the ways you habitually pull away and how they appear in therapy. Cooper & Knox (2017) surveyed 168 therapists. Passive and disingenuous strategies, and humour, were the ones most often reported in therapy. Male therapists and trainees reported their strategies appearing in therapy more often.
• Steps:
  1. List your strategies, for example withdrawing mentally, using humour, rescuing, intellectualising, avoiding conflict.
  2. Rate each one for how far it shows up in your therapy work.
  3. Optionally complete the free Chronic Strategies of Disconnection Inventory from the Sage study site. Use it unaltered, as the authors ask. Its items are not reproduced here.
  4. In pairs, take about 10 minutes each, then compare.
• Watch for: In Cooper's data, several strategies appeared more in therapy than in everyday life. [Cooper 2012 proof; Cooper & Knox 2017; Sage study site]

4.26 Developing embodied empathy (pairs)

• Purpose: To learn to trust your bodily resonance with clients.
• Steps:
  1. The talker speaks for about 10 minutes about a current concern with some feeling in it.
  2. The listener sits relaxed and "breathes in" the talker's words, keeping their own interjections minimal.
  3. If the listener notices a bodily sensation, they share it briefly.
  4. Swap roles.
  5. Discuss how it felt to listen and to be listened to, and whether the sensations matched.
• Example language (illustrative, listener): "I'm noticing a tightness in my chest as you talk."
• Watch for: Cooper says some will find this restrictive and that it is not a model for practice. [Cooper 2012 proof]

4.27 Interpersonal perception (groups of 3–4)

• Purpose: To learn what draws people towards you and what makes them wary of you (your "metaperceptions").
• Steps:
  1. Draw a grid with one column per group member and two rows: what draws me to connect with you, and what makes me wary of you.
  2. Fill it in for about 10 minutes, wording each entry as your own perception.
  3. Share in pairs, about 10 minutes each way, rotating through the group.
  4. Finish with a group discussion.
• Watch for: Participants need enough training to take feedback without defending themselves. Give feedback as your perception, not as a judgement. [Cooper 2012 proof]

4.28 Existential touchstones

• Purpose / when: To find and draw on your own experiences of profound pain, joy, humiliation, love, powerlessness and so on. These anchor your ability to stay with clients in similar places. [index: existential touchstones 163–7; humiliation, powerlessness, abuse, death, love 163–7] [uncertain: details]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. In personal reflection or personal therapy, recall the defining experiences of your life.
  2. Notice which client experiences connect with them.
  3. Work through any that are still raw before relying on them with clients.
• Watch for: Over-identifying with the client. [synthesis]

4.29 Building self-acceptance

• Purpose / when: Ongoing. Self-doubt, the "little boy" (a Mearns self-example in the index), anger and the "helper mode" can all block depth. Relating to yourself in an I–I way supports relating to clients in an I–Thou way. [index: self-acceptance 167–72; self-doubts 168–70; little boy 171–2; helper mode 170; hiding 170] [uncertain: details]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Notice your critical inner voice in and after sessions.
  2. Meet it with empathy instead of fighting it.
  3. Take patterns that keep coming back to personal therapy.
• Watch for: Hiding behind the professional role. [synthesis]

4.30 The "self curriculum": personal therapy, groups and mindfulness

• Purpose / when: In training and as continuing development. The index lists:
  • self curriculum (172–4, 179–80);
  • personal and training therapy (172–3, 180);
  • mindfulness training (173);
  • encounter and therapy groups (175–8, including the Rogers films Journey into Self and The Steel Shutter);
  • CPD (178, 180).
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Draw up your own developmental plan around your blocks to depth.
  2. Include personal therapy, experiential groups and a regular reflective or mindfulness practice.
  3. Review the plan every year.
• Watch for: Treating development as a box to tick. [uncertain: what the chapter recommends]

4.31 Supervision for relational depth

• Purpose / when: Regularly, and especially when there is over-involvement, attraction, numbness or a stuck case. [index: supervision 127–8, 167, 178–81; Lambers 178, 180; over-involvement 180; deficiency model 180–1]
• Steps (synthesis):
  1. Bring the relationship, not only the case: how present you were, what you held back, where you disconnected.
  2. Use the Relational Depth Inventory or Frequency Scale (therapist versions, free on the Sage study site) as prompts for reflection.
  3. Ask your supervisor to model depth in the supervisory relationship.
• Watch for: Supervision that only looks for deficits. [Sage study site; rest synthesis]

5. Handling problems

Where a source is tagged, the guidance comes from it. Everything else is [synthesis].

Client stays at the surface for weeks.

• Treat this as information about safety, not resistance to be overcome. Keep offering 4.1 and 4.2.
• Pick up small fresh statements (4.15), and check that you are not pushing your own aim (4.3).
• If it seems useful, name the pattern gently (4.13): "We seem to keep things fairly light here. That's fine. I'm curious whether it feels safer that way."
• Some clients want a practical, surface-level focus. Respect that, in keeping with the 2e's pluralism. [source: 2e preface; synthesis]

Resistance or a not-for-growth part blocks change.

• Don't push against it. Become partial to that part too (4.8). Find out what it protects and what it fears would happen if things changed.
• The index links resistance with multidirectional partiality (148). [source: index; synthesis]

Hostility, testing or provocation.

• Stay solid. Don't retaliate and don't collapse. Acknowledge the anger, and stay transparent about your own response if that helps.
• Earning the right can take a long time. [source: ch. 6 theme; index solidity 136; synthesis]

Mute, dissociated or very withdrawn client.

• Use pre-therapy contact reflections (4.18) and a steady contact rhythm (4.19), and lower your expectations of speech.
• Get supervision so you stay fresh.
• If dissociation is acute, ground the client in the present situation, not in depth. [source: ch. 6/index; synthesis]

Fragile or trauma-related process: closeness feels invasive.

• Clients with fragile process (Warner) may experience intense empathy or closeness as invasion. Reduce intensity, keep reflections close to the client's own words, and let the client set the distance.
• For trauma, put stabilisation before depth, and refer on for trauma-focused work where indicated. [source: index fragile process 73, 76, 135, 179; invasion 124–5; synthesis]

Overwhelm in session.

• Slow down and come back to the here and now: the room, breathing, your voice.
• Lower expressivity (fewer disclosures and less immediacy) and raise steadiness.
• Afterwards, review the pacing with the client. [synthesis]

Client wants more of the relationship, or strong love or anger develops.

• McMillan & McLeod found that some clients wanted more from the therapist and felt something was being held back. In two cases strong feelings of love and anger came up.
• The 2e acknowledges that depth can have downsides.
• Acknowledge the feelings openly and without shame, restate the boundaries of the role kindly and clearly, and explore what the longing means.
• Take this to supervision promptly. [source: McMillan & McLeod 2007; 2e preface; synthesis]

Therapist attraction or over-involvement.

• Never disclose sexual feelings to the client. Take them to supervision.
• Watch for extra sessions, contact outside sessions, or rescuing.
• These are boundary risks that depth work can make worse. [source: index sexual attraction 150; over-involvement 180; boundaries; synthesis]

Mismatch: you felt a profound meeting, the client didn't (or the reverse).

• Expect this. Depth may be mutual without being shared.
• Don't take your own sense of depth as evidence of benefit. Ask the client about their experience, for example with the client version of the Relational Depth Inventory (Sage), used as a conversation aid. [source: 2e preface; McMillan & McLeod 2007; Sage study site]

Rupture: the client withdraws, misses sessions or goes compliant.

• Use 4.14. Repair in itself tests the client's RIGs and can correct them. [source: ch. 2 p. 36]

"Non-adherence".

• There is no homework to adhere to.
• Non-attendance or lateness is relational information. Raise it non-judgementally and explore what it says about safety, closeness or your own part in it. [synthesis]

Your own disconnection (boredom, numbness, intellectualising, humour, rescuing).

• Identify your strategy (4.25) and notice the moment it switches on.
• Come back to holistic listening (4.7). Take recurring patterns to personal therapy. [source: Cooper 2012 proof; Cooper & Knox 2017]

Therapist self-doubt or fear of getting it wrong.

• Self-acceptance work (4.29).
• Remember that mistakes are survivable, and that repairing them can deepen the relationship. [source: index mistakes 156; ch. 8; synthesis]

Secondary traumatisation or exhaustion.

• Limit your caseload of intense trauma work, use supervision and personal therapy, and look after yourself.
• Relational depth asks for openness to impact, so protect your capacity for it. [source: index secondary traumatisation 87; synthesis]

Client in acute crisis, psychosis or mania.

• Put safety and contact first.
• Run standard risk assessment and safety planning (including lethal-means counselling about storage and removal where relevant), and coordinate with the team.
• Return to depth work only once the client is stable. [source: index psychosis 78, 139, 141; manic episodes 78; synthesis]

Client asks for advice, skills or structure.

• Cooper's later position allows questions, information and even advice when the client needs them. Offer them openly, or integrate or refer for structured methods, rather than holding back on principle. [source: Cooper 2012 proof; 2e preface]

Cultural or relational-style difference.

• Norms about eye contact, disclosure and emotional expression vary. Don't read less eye contact or reticence as low depth.
• Ask what closeness and respect look like for this client. [synthesis]

Online or telephone work.

• The sources don't address this.
• Lean more on voice, pacing and explicit checking-in, and say openly what is lost through the screen. [synthesis] [uncertain]

Ending a relationship held at depth.

• Prepare early.
• Name what the relationship has meant, on both sides as appropriate, and explore how the client will carry it forward (clients in McMillan & McLeod kept the therapist as an inner voice).
• Make room for grief. [source: McMillan & McLeod 2007; synthesis]

Sources

Sources:

• Working at relational depth in counselling and psychotherapy – Strathprints record (Mearns & Cooper 2005)
• Working at Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy, 2e – Sage book page (contents)
• Chapter 2 sample: Psychological distress – a relational understanding (Sage PDF)
• Mearns & Cooper 2e front matter and prefaces (Sage study site)
• Mearns & Cooper 2e index (Sage study site)
• Mearns & Cooper 2e Figure 3.1 (Sage study site)
• Sage study site – Relational depth questionnaires (RDI, RDFS, CSoD Inventory)
• Cooper, Experiencing relational depth: exercises and reflections (2012 proof, Strathprints)
• Cooper (2005) Therapists' experiences of relational depth – Strathprints record
• Cooper (2005) full text, accepted manuscript
• McMillan & McLeod (2007) Der Prozess des Loslassens (Person journal, German translation)
• Cooper & Knox (2017) Therapists' self-reported chronic strategies of disconnection – Roehampton record

Further reading (not drawn on): the CPCAB PC-L5 Theory Support – Relational Depth PDF, and the Chronic Strategies of Disconnection Inventory PDF.

Books and papers cited:

• Mearns, D. & Cooper, M. (2005). Working at Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy. London: Sage.
• Mearns, D. & Cooper, M. (2018). Working at Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy (2nd ed.). London: Sage. Chapters 4–8 are not drawn on in full: content placed from the index and contents [uncertain].
• Cooper, M. (2005). Therapists' experiences of relational depth: a qualitative interview study. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, 5(2), 87–95.
• Cooper, M. (2013). Experiencing relational depth: exercises and reflections. In R. Knox, D. Murphy, S. Wiggins & M. Cooper (Eds.), Relational Depth: New Perspectives and Developments. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan. Editor list [uncertain].
• Cooper, M. & Knox, R. (2017/2018). Therapists' self-reported chronic strategies of disconnection in everyday life and in counselling and psychotherapy. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 46(2), 185–200.
• McMillan, M. & McLeod, J. (2006/2007). Letting go: the client's experience of relational depth. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 5(4) [uncertain: volume and issue]. German translation in Person, 2 (2007), 114–126.
• Mearns, D. (2003). Developing Person-Centred Counselling (2nd ed.). London: Sage. Source of "the unspoken relationship" (cited via McMillan & McLeod).
• Prouty, G. (1994). Theoretical Evolutions in Person-Centered/Experiential Therapy: Applications to Schizophrenic and Retarded Psychoses. Westport: Praeger. Pre-therapy, not drawn on [uncertain].