Emotionally focused couples therapy

1. Introduction

Version followed: Susan M. Johnson's Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT/EFT) in its current ICEEFT form: the nine steps and three stages, plus the five-move "EFT Tango" introduced systematically in The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, 3rd ed. (Johnson, 2019/2020), as described in ICEEFT certification materials. Also covered: the Attachment Injury Resolution Model (Johnson, Makinen & Millikin, 2001) and the Hold Me Tight: Conversations for Connection group programme, Facilitator's Guide 3rd ed. (Johnson, Nov 2015). The 3rd-edition textbook is drawn on only through its table of contents, so book-level detail comes from Johnson's journal papers, ICEEFT documents and trainer materials. [source: Routledge 3rd-ed. page; ICEEFT video guidelines; Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Johnson et al. 2001]

What it is. EFCT is a short-term, attachment-based, experiential-systemic couple therapy. It treats relationship distress as a struggle for emotional security. When partners cannot get a reliable answer to the question "Are you there for me?", their reactive (secondary) emotions, such as anger or numbing, drive a rigid negative interaction cycle. The cycle then confirms each partner's fears about self and other. The goal is a secure bond in which partners are Accessible, Responsive and Engaged (A.R.E.). [source: HMT Facilitator's Guide preamble; Johnson & Whiffen 1999]

How change happens. Insight, skills training and negotiation are not what change the relationship. Change comes from new emotional experience inside attachment-salient interactions. The therapist helps each partner reach and voice the primary attachment emotions (fear, loneliness, shame, longing) underneath their positions. The therapist then choreographs new interactions in which one partner expresses those needs from vulnerability and the other responds. Johnson describes this new, qualitatively different interaction as the healing agent. Working models of self and other expand through these experiences rather than being replaced. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; ICEEFT video guidelines, Move 3]

Hold Me Tight (HMT) is a relationship-education programme, not therapy. It runs as 8 group sessions of about 2 hours and is built on Johnson's 2008 book Hold Me Tight. Its preamble sends clinicians to the EFCT textbook for clinical practice. [source: HMT Facilitator's Guide 2009/2010 and 3rd ed. front matter]

2. Framework

Overall shape. Nine steps in three stages, usually delivered over about 10–15 conjoint sessions. [source: Johnson et al. 2001] The sources do not give session length or the optimal number of individual sessions. Weekly sessions of around 50–90 minutes is common practice. [uncertain]

Stage	Steps	Goals	Move on when…
Stage 1: Cycle de-escalation / Stabilization	1. Create an alliance and assess; frame core issues in attachment terms. 2. Identify the negative interaction cycle (each partner's position, e.g. pursue/blame vs. withdraw/avoid). 3. Access the unacknowledged emotions underlying each position. 4. Reframe the problem in terms of the cycle, the underlying emotions and attachment needs.	Build a secure base with the therapist. Validate reactive emotion, then differentiate it until primary attachment emotion emerges. Get the couple to see the cycle, not each other, as the enemy.	Both partners can describe the cycle and their own underlying feelings, and hostility and escalation are lower (a meta-perspective). Johnson calls this first-order change: the dance is recognised but not yet changed.
Stage 2: Changing interactional positions / Restructuring the bond	5. Promote identification with disowned attachment needs, fears and aspects of self (e.g. shame). 6. Promote the partner's acceptance of this new experience and new responses. 7. Facilitate expression of needs and wants and create emotional engagement (bonding events).	First, withdrawer re-engagement: the withdrawn partner becomes accessible and states needs. Then pursuer/blamer softening: the blaming partner asks for comfort from a vulnerable position and the now-engaged partner responds. Attachment injuries that block softening are resolved here (§4).	A softening (bonding) event has happened. Both partners can reach for and respond to each other in session.
Stage 3: Consolidation and integration	8. Facilitate new solutions to old problematic issues. 9. Consolidate new positions and new cycles of attachment behaviour.	Solve practical issues from the new safe base. Build a coherent narrative of the relationship's distress and repair. Carry the changes into daily life. Accept individual differences without letting them threaten the bond.	The couple can repair lapses on their own and tell a shared story of how they got stuck and got out. Then terminate.

[source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Greenman CE slides (step wording); Johnson et al. 2001 (stage contents)]

Sequencing rule. Johnson & Whiffen advise inviting the more withdrawn partner to move through the change steps first. That partner's new engagement makes it safer for the more active partner to soften. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]

The Tango across stages. The five Tango moves (§4) are a macro-intervention that recurs in every session and every stage. In Stage 1 they map and validate the cycle and access underlying emotion. In Stage 2 they deepen attachment fears and longings and use enactments to reshape positions. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines; Psychotherapy Networker course outline]

Hold Me Tight programme structure (Facilitator's Guide 3rd ed., 2015). There are eight ~2-hour group sessions. Each has a summary, DVD viewing and discussion (Session IV uses a transcript instead), an in-class exercise, homework and key points.

I. Understanding Love and Attachment. In-class exercise: the A.R.E. questionnaire.
II. How Love Goes Wrong: the Demon Dialogues. Homework: Conversation 1.
III. Finding the Raw Spots. Homework: Conversation 2.
IV. Fixing Mistakes and Creating a Secure Base: Revisiting a Rocky Moment. Homework: Conversation 3.
V. Becoming Open and Responsive: the Hold Me Tight Conversation. Homework: Conversation 4.
VI. Forgiving Injuries and Trusting Again. Homework: Conversation 5.
VII. Tender Touch and Synchrony Sex. Homework: Conversation 6, Bonding Through Sex and Touch.
VIII. Keeping Your Love Alive. Homework: Conversation 7, an ongoing practice.

The guide also contains sections on the facilitator role, preparation, implementation variations and participant screening, plus a release form. Only their titles are given. [source: HMT Facilitator's Guide 3rd ed. front matter] [uncertain: screening criteria and facilitator prerequisites]

Training and certification to practise under the name. EFCT is not licensed: any licensed psychotherapist may use the methods. ICEEFT certification is optional and has these requirements:

an ICEEFT-endorsed Externship (28–30 h over 4 days) led by a Certified EFT Trainer
Core Skills training (48 h, four 2-day modules)
at least 8 h of individual supervision with a Certified Supervisor, Trainer or approved Supervisor Candidate (up to 4 h may be group supervision in which you present your own work)
two video excerpts of about 20 minutes each, one from Stage 1 and one from Stage 2, each from a different session and each showing Tango moves. The Stage 2 excerpt must show Moves 2, 3 and 4. Each comes with a case conceptualisation and a release form.
a current practice that includes couples and/or families, a licence to practise psychotherapy, malpractice insurance and ICEEFT membership.

[source: ICEEFT "Outline of basic requirements"; ICEEFT video submission guidelines] Video excerpts are assessed for attunement and the Tango moves. Reliance on teaching, coaching, advising or problem-solving counts against the candidate (see §3). [source: ICEEFT video guidelines] The qualification ICEEFT requires to facilitate HMT groups is not stated. [uncertain]

3. Guiding principles

Attachment is the frame. Read every complaint, attack and withdrawal as protest or protection around the question "Are you there for me?". Ask what each partner is fighting for, not what they are fighting about. [source: HMT Guide preamble; Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Linder 2022]
Emotion is both target and agent of change. Do not talk about feelings from a distance. Evoke, assemble and deepen emotion in the room, because cognitive discussion of emotion counts as an unsuccessful Stage 2 indicator. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
The cycle is the villain. Externalise the pattern so that neither partner is to blame. In practice, keep naming "the dance" whenever it shows up in session. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Johnson et al. 2001; Linder 2022]
Process over content. Track how the couple talk, feel and move, not the topic (money, chores). In practice, when you get lost in content, return to what is happening between them right now. [source: Linder 2022; Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
The therapist is a secure base and safe haven. Alliance and attunement come first and are monitored continuously. In practice, if either partner feels unseen, repair that before deepening. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines (competence criteria); Psychotherapy Networker outline]
Validate one partner without invalidating the other. Every reflection must leave the other partner's reality intact. In practice, after validating one partner, turn and validate the other partner's position in the cycle. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
Make sense of reactivity. Validate negative coping (blaming, shutting down) as an understandable, once-adaptive strategy before inviting anything new. In practice, validate the move before you ask them to drop it. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; ICEEFT video guidelines]
Go from secondary to primary emotion. Reactive anger or numbing protects softer fear, hurt, shame or longing. In practice, reflect the reactive emotion first, then explore the edge just beneath it. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Greenman slides]
Pace, and grade the risk. Emotional depth cannot be forced. Slow down, honour defences and ask for small risks. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Linder 2022]
Experience over explanation. Avoid teaching, advising, coaching and problem-solving in Stages 1–2, because ICEEFT lists them as unsuccessful indicators. In practice, when in doubt, reflect. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines; Linder 2022]
Speak in RISSSSC style: Repeat, Images, Simple, Slow, Soft, Somatic, Specific, Client's words. Trainers spell the acronym variously (RISSSC/RISSSSC/RISSSSSC). In practice, use short, slow, concrete phrases that use the client's own words. [source: Greenman slides; Linder 2022]
New interactions heal. Change happens when a new emotion is shared with the partner and gets a new response, not when it is only felt. In practice, turn each emerging emotion into an enactment as soon as it is safe. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
Attachment styles are flexible strategies, not traits. Tailor pacing and intervention to anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant strategies (§4.6). [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Do not judge the weight of an injury. An incident that looks trivial to an outsider can be an attachment injury, and an affair may not be one. Its meaning to the attachment bond is what counts. [source: Johnson et al. 2001]
Safety is a precondition. Do not run vulnerability-deepening work where one partner is afraid of the other. This principle is mainly my synthesis. A secondary source notes that emotion-focused couple work can heighten reactivity and risk when violence is present. [source: Weiss 2015] [synthesis]

4. Intervention inventory

The inventory has three groups. 4.1 covers the macro-intervention (the five EFT Tango moves). 4.2 covers the micro-interventions, both experiential and systemic, that are used inside every move. 4.3 covers the stage-specific procedures and change events. All example lines are my wording, marked (illustrative), unless a short quotation is cited. Move names follow Johnson's course outline. Move content comes from ICEEFT certification guidance; where that guidance is thin I say so. [source: Psychotherapy Networker outline; ICEEFT video guidelines]

4.1 The EFT Tango (macro-intervention)

Tango Move 1: Mirroring / reflecting present process

Purpose / when: Opens most sequences in every stage. It slows the interaction and makes the cycle and each partner's coping visible as they happen in the room. In escalated sessions this move is used, together with Move 2, to regulate before any enactment. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
Steps: (1) Interrupt gently when the cycle starts in the room. (2) Describe what you just saw, in sequence: what A did, what B did next, what A did then. (3) Ask about the inner side of each move: how each partner handles their own emotion and what usually happens with others. (4) Link the sequence to the overall negative cycle. (5) Validate both positions as attempts to cope. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines; Greenman slides] [step order: synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "Can we pause? Something just happened. Your voice got louder, Sam, and Alex, you looked at the floor and went quiet. Is this the dance that happens at home?"
Watch for: Reflections that take sides. Getting pulled into the content of the dispute. Signs it is working: the pace drops and both partners start to watch the pattern instead of each other. [source: Linder 2022; ICEEFT competence criteria]

Tango Move 2: Affect assembly and deepening

Purpose / when: Builds a vague or reactive emotional state into a coherent, felt experience. Use it whenever a partner shows reactivity or a glimpse of softer emotion. In Stage 2, deepen it until it includes attachment fears, unmet longings and the working model of self and other. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
Steps: Assemble the emotion from its elements, in any order:
1. the cue or trigger ("when he turns away…")
2. the appraisal or perception ("…you see that you don't matter")
3. the body response ("…your chest gets tight")
4. the meaning ("…it says you're alone again")
5. the action tendency ("…and you go after him harder")
Then stay with the emerging emotion and let it "expand, deepen and distil", anchoring it in the body. Distil it into a simple, clear statement the person can own. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines; Greenman slides] Help the person synthesise the experience into a message that could be told to the partner. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
Example language (illustrative): "So when the door closes and he's gone into his study, that's the cue. Something in you says, 'I'm on my own here.' Where do you feel that? …In your stomach. And then you go and knock, louder and louder."
Watch for: Talking about emotion from a cognitive distance, and going too deep too fast. Signs it is working: slower speech, softer voice, tears or stillness, first-person present-tense statements, and a shift from "you always" to "I feel". [source: ICEEFT video guidelines; Linder 2022]

Tango Move 3: Choreographing engaged encounters (enactments)

Purpose / when: Turns an emotion that has been felt into a new interaction with the partner. ICEEFT calls this new, qualitatively different interaction the healing agent. It is used in both stages. In Stage 1 the enactment is usually small: sharing the more vulnerable experience. In Stage 2 it carries fears, longings and requests. It can also be done by proxy: the therapist speaks for the client, who confirms the words. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines; Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Steps: (1) Check the emotion is assembled and the speaker is regulated. (2) Distil it into one short sentence. (3) Invite the speaker to turn to the partner and say it: "Can you tell him…?" (4) Coach the speaker to look at the partner and slow down, and catch any slide back into blame. (5) If the speaker cannot do it, offer proxy voice or ask them to say how hard it is to say. (6) Then turn to the listener (Move 4). [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; ICEEFT video guidelines; Greenman slides] [step wording: synthesis]
Example language: "Can you tell him how hard this is?" [verbatim, Johnson & Whiffen 1999]. Illustrative: "Could you turn to her and tell her just that: 'When I go silent, I'm scared I've failed you again'?"
Watch for: Enactments set up before the emotion is ready. Long speeches. A partner who lapses into accusation, which the therapist should stop gently and redirect. Signs it is working: eye contact, a softer tone and a visible impact on the listener. [synthesis]

Tango Move 4: Processing the encounter

Purpose / when: Johnson's title for this move is processing the choreographed drama "to create emotional balance". It always follows an enactment and is required in Stage 2 certification excerpts. [source: Networker outline; ICEEFT video guidelines] The ICEEFT page gives no further description, so the steps below are inferred from the move's title and its place in the sequence. [uncertain]
Steps [synthesis]: (1) Ask the speaker what it was like to say it. (2) Ask the listener what it was like to hear it and what happens inside them now. (3) Reflect and validate both reactions, including a difficult or blocked response. (4) If the response was dismissive, process the block (it often shows the listener's own fear) rather than repeating the enactment.
Example language (illustrative): "What was that like, saying that to him?" … "And Alex, what happens in you as you hear that she's scared, not angry?"
Watch for: A listener who defends or explains instead of taking in what was said. Treat this as the next piece of the cycle to reflect, not as failure. [synthesis]

Tango Move 5: Integrating and validating the new experience

Purpose / when: Closes the sequence. It pulls the new experience together, gives it a coherent meaning, and validates both partners for taking the risk. In Stage 1 it is used where possible. The ICEEFT guidance describes this move as giving the reactivity structure and an alternative meaning. [source: Networker outline; ICEEFT video guidelines] [uncertain: the ICEEFT description is brief]
Steps [synthesis built on the sources' description]: (1) Summarise the whole sequence in a few sentences: the trigger, the old move, the new emotion, the new message and the response. (2) Name what was new. (3) Validate the risk and the competence each partner showed. (4) Link it to the attachment meaning: what this says about whether they can be there for each other.
Example language (illustrative): "What just happened is different. Instead of chasing, you let him see how scared you are. And instead of leaving, you stayed and told her you want to be close. That's a new dance."
Watch for: Rushing past the moment, or turning it into homework. Sign it is working: both partners can describe the new step in their own words. [synthesis]

4.2 Micro-interventions (used within the moves)

Reflection of emotion and of interactions

Purpose / when: The default intervention whenever you are unsure what to do. It focuses on the emotion and attachment significance behind what is said, not on its content. It is used in every move. [source: Linder 2022; Greenman slides; Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Steps: (1) Notice the most poignant emotional element in what was just said or shown. (2) Reflect it back briefly in the client's own words. (3) Check that it fits. (4) Offer one detail more than they said, if they are ready.
Example language (illustrative): "It's like you're saying: 'I keep knocking, and nobody comes.'"
Watch for: Long, intellectual reflections, and reflecting content ("so you disagree about money"). It is working when the client corrects or elaborates the reflection and their tone deepens. [synthesis]

Validation

Purpose / when: Makes each partner's perceptions, ways of regulating emotion, action tendencies, blocks, fears, needs and new "dance steps" make sense. It builds safety and lowers defensiveness. [source: Greenman slides; ICEEFT competence criteria]
Steps: (1) Name the response. (2) Link it to the person's experience or to the cycle ("of course you…, because…"). (3) Turn to the other partner and validate them too.
Example language (illustrative): "It makes sense that you go quiet. When things get loud, shutting down is the way you've learned to keep the peace."
Watch for: Validation that implicitly blames the other partner. It is working when the validated partner relaxes and the other partner does not bristle. [source: ICEEFT competence criteria]

Evocative questions and responding

Purpose / when: Opens up the edges of experience that the client has not yet put into words. Use it when a partner reports facts or behaviour without feeling. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Greenman slides]
Steps: Ask open, tentative questions aimed at the felt, present-moment experience. Examples: what happens inside right now, what it is like, what the client tells themselves. Then review the key moment slowly. Greenman's example question has the form "What happens inside you when…?" [source: Greenman slides]
Example language (illustrative): "What happens inside you, right now, as she says she's given up?"
Watch for: "Why" questions, which invite explanation, and a string of questions with no reflection between them. [synthesis]

Heightening (including repetition and imagery)

Purpose / when: Intensifies a key emotion or response so it stays in focus and can organise a new interaction. It is used especially with withdrawn or avoidant partners, who exit easily. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Greenman slides]
Steps: (1) Pick one poignant phrase. (2) Repeat it slowly and softly, several times across the next minutes. (3) Add a vivid image or metaphor, preferably the client's own. (4) Anchor it in the body. (5) If needed, set up an enactment around it. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999 (repetition, imagery); Greenman slides (RISSSSSC)]
Example language (illustrative): "Behind the wall. You're behind the wall… and it's lonely back there."
Watch for: Overwhelm. Heighten only what the client can tolerate, and pull back if they dissociate or flood (§5). [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]

Empathic conjecture (including proxy voice)

Purpose / when: Tentatively names a feeling, need or meaning one step beyond the client's current awareness. Use it when the client is close to an emotion but cannot find it. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999] Proxy voice means speaking in the first person as if you were the client, so they can try the words on. [source: Greenman slides]
Steps: (1) Stay inside the client's frame. (2) Offer the conjecture tentatively, with permission to correct it. (3) Build only on cues already present. (4) Ask whether it fits. (5) Use it as a basis for further deepening or an enactment.
Example language (illustrative): "I wonder if, underneath the frustration, there's a part of you that's afraid you just aren't enough for her. Is that close?" Proxy (illustrative): "Can I try saying it for you? 'I go quiet because I'm terrified of letting you down.' Does that fit?"
Watch for: Interpretation imposed from outside or not grounded in the session. If the client corrects you, take up their version. [synthesis]

Tracking and reflecting the negative cycle

Purpose / when: Identifies how each partner's moves trigger the other's. Use it in Steps 1–2 and whenever the cycle shows up. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Steps: Map each partner's loop. (Greenman's cycle model, from a trainer's slide: trigger, perception, secondary emotion, action tendency, with the primary emotion and unmet attachment need underneath.) Draw the two loops as feeding each other. [source: Greenman slides] Refer back to the cycle by name in later sessions. [source: Linder 2022]
Example language (illustrative): "The more you push for an answer, Sam, the more Alex feels he's failing and pulls back. The more he pulls back, the more alone you feel and the harder you push. You're both caught."
Watch for: Uneven mapping (one partner's loop described in detail, the other's sketchily). It is working when partners start naming the cycle themselves. [synthesis]

Reframing in terms of cycle and attachment

Purpose / when: Recasts problem behaviour as an attempt to cope with attachment fear. This is Step 4, and it continues throughout therapy. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Greenman slides]
Steps: (1) Take a behaviour (criticism, withdrawal). (2) Name the underlying emotion and need. (3) Offer the reframe: the anger is protest at disconnection; the withdrawal is protection of the bond or of self. (4) Check that both partners accept it.
Example language (illustrative): "So the criticism is a kind of alarm bell: 'Are you there? Do I matter?' And the silence is your way of trying not to make things worse."
Watch for: A reframe that excuses harm (violence, contempt) rather than explaining it. Do not reframe abuse (§5). [synthesis]

Blocking discounting attributions and tracking new information

Purpose / when: Stops a partner from dismissing the other's new behaviour (for example "he's only doing it because we're here"). Helps them notice evidence that disconfirms their fears. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Steps: (1) Notice the discount. (2) Reflect the fear that drives it. (3) Return attention to what the partner actually did or said. (4) Ask what it would mean if it were real.
Example language (illustrative): "It's hard to trust this. You've been hurt before, and hope feels risky. And still, he just turned toward you. What's it like to let that in, even a little?"
Watch for: Pushing trust faster than the person's fear allows. [synthesis]

RISSSSC delivery style

Purpose / when: The way of speaking that makes all of the above experiential: Repeat, Images, Simple, Slow, Soft, Somatic, Specific, Client's words. It is required for deepening in Stage 2, and its absence counts as an unsuccessful indicator. [source: Greenman slides; Linder 2022; ICEEFT video guidelines]
Steps: Shorten your sentences. Lower your voice and slow your pace. Use the client's own words and images. Bring in body sensations. Be specific to this moment. Repeat the key phrase.
Example language (illustrative): "Alone. … So alone. … In your chest. … Like nobody's coming."
Watch for: A therapist voice that stays fast and explanatory when the client starts to soften. [source: Linder 2022]

4.3 Stage procedures and change events

Process-oriented assessment and safe-haven alliance (Step 1)

Purpose / when: Sessions 1 to about 3. Build the alliance with both partners, map the dance, decide whether EFCT is suitable, and agree goals framed in attachment terms. [source: Networker outline ("process-oriented assessment", "safe-haven alliance"); Johnson & Whiffen 1999] The textbook's assessment chapter ("Defining the Dance and Listening to the Music") is not drawn on, so the format below is partly my synthesis. [uncertain]
Steps:
1. In the conjoint session, ask each partner for their view of the problem. Track a recent fight step by step. Ask about the relationship history and how they bonded. [synthesis]
2. Watch the process as it happens in the room: who pursues, who withdraws, how quickly they escalate, how they regulate. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
3. Note each partner's attachment strategy and their level of trust in the other's caring. Trust predicted outcome more strongly than initial distress did. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
4. See each partner individually at least once. Screen in private for intimate partner violence and fear of the partner, and use an abuse inventory. Clarify safety and make a safety plan if needed. [source: Weiss 2015 (secondary, IPV-specific)] Also ask about ongoing affairs, substance misuse, suicidality and whether either partner has already decided to leave. [synthesis]
5. Agree the frame with both partners: the cycle is the problem, and the goal is a safer bond. [source: Johnson et al. 2001]
Example language (illustrative): "Help me see what happens when it goes wrong. Take me to the last time. Who said what first, and what happened next?"
Watch for: Indicators against conjoint EFCT, which are my synthesis: ongoing violence, fear of the partner, characterological or coercive control (Weiss, 2015, deems couple work contraindicated here), an active affair that will not end, or one partner having firmly decided to separate. In these cases refer on, or use another format such as individual work or discernment-style work. [synthesis]

Stage 1 de-escalation (Steps 2–4 in practice)

Purpose / when: Sessions after assessment, until de-escalation is reached. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Johnson et al. 2001]
Steps: Run repeated Tango sequences on the cycle as it shows up in each session:
1. reflect the cycle as it happens (Move 1)
2. assemble the reactive emotion and the emotion just beneath it (Move 2)
3. set up an enactment in which each partner shares the more vulnerable layer, directly or by proxy (Move 3)
4. process it and integrate it as a shared picture of the cycle (Moves 4–5).
At the end of Stage 1, help the couple build a full description of the cycle in their own words, including the feelings under each position, and name it ("the cycle", or the couple's own image). [source: ICEEFT video guidelines (Stage 1 expectations); Linder 2022]
Example language (illustrative): "So when the cycle takes over, you, Sam, feel alone and go into alarm, and you, Alex, feel you're failing and go still. Neither of you is the enemy. The cycle is."
Watch for: Markers of de-escalation, which are the criterion for Stage 2: fewer and less intense fights, partners interrupting the cycle themselves, hope, and each partner naming their own primary emotion. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Johnson et al. 2001]

Withdrawer re-engagement (Steps 5–7 with the withdrawn partner)

Purpose / when: The first Stage 2 change event. The withdrawn or avoidant partner moves from protective distance to emotional presence and voices their own fears and needs. Usually do this before the pursuer's softening. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Greenman slides]
Steps:
1. Deepen the withdrawer's experience of withdrawal: what they are protecting and what they fear (failure, inadequacy, being overwhelmed, rejection). [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; ICEEFT video guidelines]
2. Validate the withdrawal strategy as an adaptation, possibly linked to their history, and question its assumptions gently. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
3. Help the withdrawer distil and own a statement of their fear and of their model of self. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
4. Enactment: the withdrawer tells the partner this. Then support the pursuer to accept it, which is Step 6. This is often hard, so process the pursuer's disbelief or anger. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Greenman slides]
5. Help the withdrawer move to an assertion of need: what they need in order to stay engaged. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines ("grounded expression of longings and needs")]
Example language: Verbatim, Johnson & Whiffen 1999, to an avoidant partner: "So you see reaching out and asking for support as weakness and as demeaning." Illustrative: "Can you tell her, 'I go away because I'm sure I'll fail you. I want to stay, but I need you to give me a little room to find my words'?"
Watch for: Exits into rationalising or practical topics, which you should redirect to present emotion. Overwhelm when grief or longing first emerges, which calls for slowing down. A pursuer who punishes the new disclosure. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]

Pursuer / blamer softening (Steps 5–7 with the pursuing partner)

Purpose / when: The key Stage 2 bonding event. After the withdrawer is re-engaged, the formerly blaming partner reaches for the other from a vulnerable position and asks for comfort or connection. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Johnson et al. 2001; Greenman slides]
Steps:
1. Deepen the pursuer's attachment fear beneath the anger: abandonment, unlovability, shame. Distinguish "hopeful" protest, which can change behaviour, from despairing anger, which pushes the partner away. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
2. Assemble the working model: "I'm not worth coming for" or "nobody will be there". [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
3. Explore the fear of asking: what would it be like to reach and get no response? [synthesis]
4. Choreograph small, guided requests from vulnerability. Grade the risk and support the pursuer through it. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
5. Turn to the re-engaged partner and help them respond. Process it (Move 4) and integrate it (Move 5). [source: ICEEFT video guidelines]
Example language (illustrative): "Can you turn to him and tell him, not that he's failed you, but how scared you are that you're too much and he'll leave? And what you need from him right now?"
Watch for: Reverting to blame at the moment of risk, ambivalent signals, and testing the partner. Help the pursuer stay with the fear. If the pursuer suddenly brings up an old hurt with sharply rising intensity, consider an attachment injury and switch to the model below. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Johnson et al. 2001]

Attachment Injury Resolution Model (AIRM)

Purpose / when: Use it when a specific incident is blocking Stage 2: abandonment or betrayal at a moment of acute need, such as childbirth, illness, miscarriage, loss or a life transition. The incident has become the test of the partner's dependability. It typically appears just as softening should occur. Markers are a sudden rise in emotional intensity, trauma-like language, a "never again" stance, and the other partner minimising or defending. Infidelity may or may not be an attachment injury, and a seemingly trivial event may be one. [source: Johnson et al. 2001]
Steps (eight, as presented by Johnson et al. 2001; the authors call the model preliminary):
1. Marker. The injured partner, now able to reach, describes the incident vividly as if it were happening now. The other partner discounts or defends. Encourage the injured partner to risk staying in contact.
2. Stay with the injury. Help the injured partner articulate its impact. Anger gives way to hurt, helplessness, fear and shame. Link the incident to the current cycle.
3. The other partner hears it. Help them understand the pain as a sign of how much they matter, not as proof of their badness, and acknowledge it.
4. The injured partner grieves the loss and fear more fully and lets the partner see their vulnerability.
5. The other partner takes responsibility. They become emotionally engaged and express empathy, regret or remorse.
6. The injured partner asks for comfort that was missing at the time.
7. The other partner responds caringly. Together they build a new, coherent account of the event, including why the partner responded as they did.
8. Moving on. Trust-building and softening can now proceed, leading into Stage 3.
[source: Johnson et al. 2001] The article specifies therapist moves mainly for steps 1–3. Use Tango moves for the rest. [synthesis]
Example language: Verbatim (Johnson et al. 2001): "So you really needed him to be there and to hold you"; "Ah ha, that was a pivotal moment for you and for the relationship." Illustrative, to the injuring partner: "What happens in you as you see how alone she was that night?"
Watch for: An apology given too early, before the impact has been heard, which tends to fail. Reassurance the injured partner cannot yet trust. Clinging and withdrawing alternately. The therapist's own difficulty empathising before the attachment meaning is clear. It is harder with fearful-dismissing partners, childhood sexual abuse histories and rigid cycles. Unresolved injuries predict relapse. [source: Johnson et al. 2001]

Adapting to attachment strategies

Purpose / when: Throughout therapy. Fit pacing and interventions to each partner's strategy. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Steps:
- Anxious / preoccupied partners tend to blame and be hypervigilant. Help them put chaotic experience into a coherent story in which the cycle is the villain. Differentiate hopeful from despairing anger. Support them to voice shame and fears of being unlovable, and to make small, guided requests.
- Avoidant / dismissing partners tend to distance, rationalise and focus on tasks. Validate the self-protection as adaptive, then question its assumptions gently. Use evocative questions, imagery and repetition. Block exits into content.
- Fearful-avoidant partners move back and forth between engagement and hostility. Pace more slowly and monitor the alliance constantly. Make cues explicit, describe what secure responses would look like, and link the distress to specific traumatic experiences.
- Mixed couples: invite the more withdrawn partner to move first.
[source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Example language (illustrative): To an avoidant partner: "Being self-sufficient kept you safe growing up. I wonder what it costs you now, when she's reaching for you."
Watch for: Mistaking avoidant calm for de-escalation. [synthesis]

Stage 3: new solutions, consolidation and narrative (Steps 8–9)

Purpose / when: After a softening. Practical issues that were unsolvable in the old cycle can now be negotiated. New positions are consolidated, and a shared narrative is built. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999; Johnson et al. 2001]
Steps:
1. Invite the couple to revisit an old problem (for example money or in-laws). Coach only lightly, because the safe bond carries the problem-solving. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999] [degree of coaching: synthesis]
2. Help them build a coherent story: how the cycle took hold, what each partner learned about the other, and how they got out. Share revised models of self and other. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
3. Help them accept individual differences without treating them as threats. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
4. Plan for lapses. Practise how they will recognise the cycle and reach for each other at home. Consider bonding rituals and spacing out final sessions. [synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "If you were telling a friend how you two got out of that dance, what would you say?"
Watch for: Ending too early, before the new cycle has been tested by a real-life stressor. [synthesis]

Hold Me Tight group programme (clinician as facilitator)

Purpose / when: Relationship education for groups of couples, with eight sessions of about 2 hours. It suits couples who are distressed but safe, or who want prevention. Couples needing therapy should be screened out. The guide's own screening section is not drawn on. [source: HMT Facilitator's Guide 3rd ed. front matter] [screening criteria: uncertain]
Steps:
1. Screen participants and obtain releases. [source: guide contents]
2. Session I: teach the attachment view of love and run the A.R.E. questionnaire as an in-class exercise. It is a licensed instrument; describe it without reproducing items. [source: guide contents]
3. Sessions II–VIII: each covers one of the book's seven conversations, in this order: Recognizing the Demon Dialogues; Finding the Raw Spots; Revisiting a Rocky Moment; the Hold Me Tight conversation; Forgiving Injuries; Bonding Through Sex and Touch; Keeping Your Love Alive. Each session runs as a short presentation, then DVD clips and discussion (a transcript in IV), then an in-class couple exercise, then key points, then homework. [source: guide contents]
4. Couples do the exercises privately in pairs, with facilitators circulating. Exercises are not processed in front of the whole group. [uncertain: inferred from programme design]
Example language (illustrative): "Tonight is about the raw spots, the tender places that get hit and set off the dance. In your pairs, see if you can each find one."
Watch for: A couple whose distress or conflict escalates in the group. Offer them a referral to conjoint EFCT. [synthesis]

5. Handling problems

Escalation in the room.

Stop the exchange. Take more control: speak to each partner in turn and reflect the cycle as it is happening (Move 1). Validate the reactive emotion (Move 2) and do not attempt an enactment until things are calmer. [source: ICEEFT video guidelines] Linder suggests asking the couple whether they want to show you how they argue or want you to step in more actively. [source: Linder 2022]
If escalation keeps recurring, add structure: shorter turns, some individual time inside the session, and a re-check for violence. [synthesis]

Avoidant exits (rationalising, practical problem-solving, changing the subject, going blank).

Name the exit gently and treat it as part of the cycle. Return to the last emotional moment and use evocative questions, imagery and repetition. If grief or longing is emerging and floods the person, slow down. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Illustrative: "We just moved to the schedule. I think that was right after you said 'I don't know how to reach her.' Can we go back there for a moment?"

Anxious exits (reverting to blame, confusion, testing, ambivalent signals).

Help the anxious partner stay engaged and keep exploring. Reflect the fear that drives the blame. Differentiate hopeful from despairing anger. Give them a coherent story in which the cycle is the villain. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]

Overwhelm, flooding or dissociation.

Pace, regulate and grade the risk. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Concretely: slow your voice, ground the client in the present (feet, breath, the room), shrink the step ("just notice it, you don't have to say it to him yet"), and use proxy voice. [synthesis]
With trauma histories, expect rage, fear and defensiveness. Validate them and place them in the context of past violations. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Fearful-avoidant partners need slower pacing and constant monitoring of the alliance. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]

Stuck in Stage 1 (no de-escalation after several sessions). The following checklist is my synthesis:

Re-check the cycle map with both partners.
Check whether one partner's position has been mapped less fully, or one partner feels less allied with you.
Look for a hidden agenda: an affair, a decision to leave, violence, or untreated depression or substance misuse.
Check your own pull into content or teaching (Linder's common errors).
Low trust in the partner's caring predicts a harder course. Spend more time creating safety in session. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999 (trust); Linder 2022 (errors)]

Stuck at softening (the pursuer won't risk, or the withdrawer won't respond).

Look for an attachment injury and switch to the AIRM. [source: Johnson et al. 2001]
If the withdrawer has not fully re-engaged, go back and finish re-engagement first. [source: Johnson & Whiffen 1999]
Work on the fear of asking itself as the emotion to assemble. [synthesis]

Apology does not "take" (attachment injury).

Do not push forgiveness. Go back to Step 2 of the AIRM (staying with the impact), and help the injuring partner hear the pain as a sign of how much they matter rather than as an indictment. Remorse must be emotionally engaged, not merely stated. [source: Johnson et al. 2001]

Alliance ruptures (one partner feels the therapist is siding with the other).

Validate one partner without invalidating the other. Make building and maintaining the alliance an explicit focus, and attune to each partner. [source: ICEEFT competence criteria]
Concretely: name the rupture, take responsibility for your part, reflect the partner's experience of you in the same attachment language you use for the cycle, and then rebalance your reflections. [synthesis]

"Non-adherence".

Conjoint EFCT has no formal homework in the sources. Lack of change between sessions is treated as more cycle material, not as non-compliance. [synthesis]
In HMT groups, couples who skip homework conversations can do a shortened version in session. Ask what got in the way, and expect it to be the cycle itself. [synthesis]

Intimate partner violence, coercive control or fear.

Screen each partner privately. Do not do conjoint vulnerability work where violence is characterological or a partner is afraid. Refer to specialist family-violence services, and use safety planning. Consider couple work only for situational violence when both partners report it consistently, the victim feels safe and wants to continue, children are safe, and the violent partner accepts responsibility. [source: Weiss 2015 (secondary; IPV-specific)]
Emotion-focused couple work can heighten reactivity and risk. [source: Weiss 2015]
Never reframe abuse as "just the cycle". [synthesis]

Secrets and ongoing affairs disclosed in individual sessions.

Set your confidentiality policy at intake, for example "no secrets that block the work". If an affair is ongoing, the involved partner ends it or discloses before Stage 2 work continues; otherwise you pause conjoint work. [synthesis] [uncertain: Johnson's own policy]

Suicidality or severe individual disorder (depression, PTSD, active addiction).

Follow standard risk assessment and safety planning in an individual session, including lethal-means counselling (secure storage or removal), and coordinate individual treatment. [synthesis]
The 3rd-edition textbook covers EFT applications for depression, anxiety and PTSD, but those chapters are not drawn on. [source: Routledge TOC] [uncertain]

One partner is "leaning out" (ambivalent about staying).

Name the ambivalence openly. EFCT's change events assume both partners are willing to risk. Consider a short block of work to clarify the decision before restarting EFCT. [synthesis]

Therapist errors. The common errors are:

not naming the cycle enough
going too deep too fast
too little reflection
too little RISSSSC delivery
getting lost in content
over-reliance on interpretation, psychoeducation and advice. [source: Linder 2022; ICEEFT video guidelines]

The remedies are to reflect more, slow down, use video review and seek supervision. [source: Linder 2022]

Sexual difficulties.

The HMT programme includes a session on touch and sex. The textbook covers sexual disorders, but that material is not drawn on. [source: HMT guide contents; Routledge TOC]
Treat sexual withdrawal and pursuit as part of the attachment cycle. Refer for specialist sex therapy where there is medical or specific sexual dysfunction. [synthesis] [uncertain]

Sources

Sources

Further reading (not drawn on beyond contents pages)

Johnson, S. M. (2019/2020). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (3rd ed.). Routledge.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown.
Johnson, S. M. (2015). Hold Me Tight: Conversations for Connection. Facilitator's Guide for Small Groups (3rd ed.). ICEEFT.

Further reading (not drawn on; marked [uncertain] where relied on): Johnson, Hunsley, Greenberg & Schindler (1999), Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice; the EFCT-in-VA manuscript; and the textbook chapters on assessment, the Tango, Stage 2 and depression/PTSD.

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