Imago relationship therapy

1. Introduction

Version followed: clinical Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, built around the three-step Imago Dialogue as Hendrix and Hunt teach it today; it is organised for session planning on Wade Luquet's six-session short-term format (Short-Term Couples Therapy: The Imago Model in Action, 2nd ed., Routledge 2007). Where the founders' current workshop content ("space-between", Zero Negativity, affirmations) adds to Luquet, both are given. Not drawn on: the founders' clinician manual (Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between) or the full text of Getting the Love You Want. Process details taken from those books via secondary reports are marked. [source: harvilleandhelen.com dialogue article and workshop page; Routledge ToC]

IRT is a couples therapy founded in 1980 by Hendrix and Hunt. It is taught through Imago Relationships International and its training institutes, and its Imago-certified therapists work in about 60 countries. [source: GoodTherapy] The imago is an unconscious picture of familiar love formed in childhood from caregivers' traits, especially the hurtful ones, and it steers partner choice. Partners then tend to recreate old dynamics with each other, and that gives them a chance to heal unmet childhood needs. [source: GoodTherapy] How change happens: the work shifts the couple's attention from each partner's inner world (the "space-within") to the relationship itself (the "space-between"). Structured dialogue replaces reactivity with safety and curiosity. Current frustrations are linked to childhood wounds, so partners come to see each other as wounded rather than malicious. Each partner then stretches toward what the other needs, and that stretch is also each person's own growth. The founders say being mirrored, validated and empathised with is itself healing. [source: harvilleandhelen.com workshop page; Ten Tips; dialogue article; Positive Psychology summary of Luquet]

2. Framework

Format. Usually weekly sessions of 75–90 minutes, mainly conjoint, with some individual sessions. Homework is given every session and sessions are spaced out over time. Typical duration is 3–6 months. The same model is also delivered as couples' workshops ("Getting the Love You Want" weekend), intensives and online programmes. [source: GoodTherapy; Kripalu 2021 workshop schedule] The founders' current teaching has dialogue practised in every session. [source: harvilleandhelen.com space-between workshop page]

Short-term six-session structure (Luquet 2007, chapter titles; contents paraphrased from titles and secondary summaries): [source: Routledge ToC; Positive Psychology summary]

GoodTherapy describes the model through five principles that cover the same sequence: re-imaging the partner, re-romanticizing, restructuring frustrations, resolving rage and re-visioning the relationship. [source: GoodTherapy] Hendrix and Hunt's 2021 public workshop uses a related order: mirroring, appreciation, Zero Negativity and affirmations; then how the imago forms and the childhood challenges-and-needs dialogue; then Zero Negativity, the Behaviour Change Request and the frustration dialogue; then re-visioning, caring behaviours, surprises and fun, and positive flooding. [source: Kripalu 2021 schedule] The founders' clinician training also names "seven stages of differentiation" and the goal of a "Conscious Partnership". What the seven stages are is not given. [uncertain]

Criteria for moving on (not stated in the sources; my own synthesis): [synthesis]

• Into childhood work: both partners can run a full dialogue round (mirror, check for more, validate, empathise) with only light coaching, and in-session escalation can be stopped.
• Into re-romanticizing: each partner can describe the other's childhood wound in a way the other confirms as accurate.
• Into frustration and rage work: Zero Negativity is mostly holding at home, and caring behaviours are being exchanged on most days. Rage work only starts once safety is solid, and never where there is violence or coercive control (see Section 5).
• Ending: the couple can run a dialogue and a Behaviour Change Request without the therapist, and has a shared relationship vision.

Contraindications and cautions listed: domestic abuse or violence; active substance misuse or addiction; untreated serious mental illness; an ongoing affair that has not been disclosed and addressed. Therapists may advise waiting until these are dealt with. [source: GoodTherapy]

Training and use of the name. The route GoodTherapy reports: attend an Imago couples' workshop; hold a relevant advanced degree and professional membership; complete Imago Clinical Training (96 hours); then Imago Certification; then advanced clinician training, professional development and faculty levels. Hendrix and Hunt also run shorter professional trainings (e.g. a 15-hour "space-between" course) and offer Imago higher education through Daybreak University. Check current requirements with Imago Relationships International before calling yourself an Imago therapist. [source: GoodTherapy; harvilleandhelen.com workshop page] [uncertain: requirements may have changed]

3. Guiding principles

• The relationship (space-between) is the client. Track and work on the interaction, not each partner's pathology. [source: space-between workshop page]
• Partnership, not competition. Present every issue as a shared problem; do not take sides or decide who is right. [source: space-between workshop page]
• From judgment to curiosity. Swap interpretation and diagnosis for questions; in practice, the listener asks for more instead of answering back. [source: space-between workshop page; dialogue article]
• Safety first. Keep both partners' reactive brains calm; slow or stop any exchange that is escalating before it does damage. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet]
• Zero Negativity. No criticism, including "constructive" criticism, no put-downs or contempt. When something about the partner bothers you, treat it as information about yourself. [source: Ten Tips; Oprah.com]
• Otherness / differentiation. The partner is a separate person whose perceptions and feelings are valid; help each partner stop treating the other as an extension of themselves. [source: Ten Tips; workshop page]
• Validation is not agreement. Saying "you make sense" means following the other's logic; you keep your own view. [source: dialogue article; Kort]
• Sender responsibility. Speak in short "I" sentences, one topic at a time; use "you" only for positive statements. [source: Ten Tips; Kort]
• Take turns; one person speaks at a time. Structure is what makes hard topics safe. [source: dialogue article; dialogue handout]
• Today's conflict carries childhood wounds. Link present reactivity to early needs so the partner's behaviour becomes understandable. [source: workshop page; GoodTherapy]
• The partner holds the blueprint for growth. What one partner asks for is often what the other finds hardest, and stretching to give it develops a lost part of the self. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet; Ten Tips]
• Close exits. Energy that leaves the relationship (work, screens, affairs) drains it; aim to redirect it rather than ban it. [source: Ten Tips]
• Give unconditionally, receive fully. Give with no expectation of return; take compliments in rather than brushing them off. [source: Ten Tips]
• Pleasure and play are treatment, not extras. Regular high-energy fun and appreciation rebuild a positive bond. [source: Ten Tips; Luquet via Positive Psychology]
• Expect awkwardness. Structured dialogue feels artificial at first and becomes natural with practice; say so in advance. [source: dialogue article]
• Therapist as facilitator of the couple's dialogue rather than the hub every message passes through. Coach the partners to talk to each other, not to you. [synthesis, consistent with dialogue being practised each session]

4. Intervention inventory

Names follow the sources. "Imago Dialogue", "Intentional Dialogue", "Couples Dialogue" and "Safe Conversation" all refer to the same three-step core process. [source: dialogue article; Kort; GoodTherapy; Luquet ToC; Ten Tips]

4.1 Imago (Intentional / Couples) Dialogue

• Purpose / when: The core skill, used in every session and as the vehicle for most other processes. It replaces monologue and argument with turn-taking, and builds listening, safety and empathy. Teach it before any loaded content. [source: dialogue article; space-between workshop page; Ten Tips]
• Steps: [source: harvilleandhelen.com dialogue article; Kort; dialogue handout adapted from imagoworks]
  1. Appointment. The partner with something to say (the Sender) names the topic and asks if now is a good time. If not, the Receiver offers a time soon, within 24 hours in Kort's version. The delay gives the Sender practice in patience and gives the Receiver time to get ready to be present.
  2. Sending. The Sender stays on one topic and speaks in short "I" sentences, pausing so the Receiver can keep up.
  3. Mirroring. The Receiver says back what was said, paraphrasing at most, without interpreting, shrinking, inflating or answering it. The Receiver checks accuracy and then asks whether there is more. Repeat until the Sender has nothing more to add.
  4. Validation. The Receiver tells the Sender they make sense and gives the reasons, staying within the Sender's own logic. If part of it doesn't yet make sense, the Receiver says which parts do and asks to hear more about the rest. [source: dialogue handout]
  5. Empathy. The Receiver guesses the feelings behind the message, offers one or two feeling words and checks the guess.
  6. Switch. The partners swap roles on the same topic. The new Sender can start with what came up while listening. [source: Kort; dialogue handout]
  • Some Imago versions add a summary step before validation (the Receiver sums up everything heard). It is not in the founders' three-step article and it is not in the other sources. [uncertain]
• Example language: Founders' stems: "let me see if I got that", "did I get that?", "you make sense", "you make sense because", and "given that, I can imagine that you might be feeling" [source: harvilleandhelen.com dialogue article]; "Is there more?" [source: Kort; dialogue handout]. Therapist coaching (illustrative): "Before you answer, just send back what you heard, word for word if you like." "Turn toward each other and tell her, not me." "Validation isn't agreeing. Can you find the part of what he's saying that holds together for him?"
• Watch for: Mirrors that slip in rebuttal ("So you're saying I'm useless…"); "you make sense, but…"; the Sender stacking several topics; the Receiver trying to fix things; flooding (raised voice, speeding up, shutting down). Signs it's working: the Sender's body relaxes, the Sender adds more vulnerable material in response to "is there more?", the Receiver's empathy guesses are confirmed, and the couple starts asking for appointments at home. [source: Kort's list of things to avoid; watch-for signs are synthesis]

4.2 Creating safety (safe place)

• Purpose / when: Keeps the reactive brain calm so partners can stay present in hard conversations. Teach it in session 1 and use it before charged processes such as the container. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet]
• Steps: (1) Each partner finds a real or imagined place in their mind where they feel safe. (2) They practise calling it up briefly. (3) During a hard exchange, the listener goes back to it while still staying engaged with the partner. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet] Pairing it with slow breathing and a check of body tension is my addition. [synthesis]
• Example language (illustrative): "Before she starts, take a moment and go to your safe place. You don't have to leave the room in your mind, just steady yourself so you can keep listening."
• Watch for: Using the safe place to dissociate or check out instead of to stay present; trauma survivors who have no safe image (offer a neutral or present-moment anchor instead) [synthesis].

4.3 Psychoeducation: the model, the brain and the imago (session 1)

• Purpose / when: Gives the couple a shared, non-blaming frame. Luquet's first session covers "the cosmic journey" and the brain alongside the dialogue. The content of this chapter is not drawn on. [source: Routledge ToC] [uncertain]
• Steps (outline): Explain briefly that: partners choose each other partly through an unconscious imago built from caregivers; conflict tends to reopen old wounds; the reactive brain under threat takes over from thinking; and the dialogue slows that reaction. [source: GoodTherapy; Positive Psychology] Then go straight into a short practice dialogue on a positive topic (sequencing is my choice). [synthesis]
• Example language (illustrative): "The fights you're having probably feel brand new, but they may be old ones. Each of you may be bumping into the exact place where the other was hurt growing up."
• Watch for: One partner using the theory as a weapon ("See, it's your mother again"); stop this and bring it back to each person's own story. [synthesis]

4.4 Zero Negativity pledge (and repair)

• Purpose / when: Remove put-downs, criticism and contempt so the relationship becomes safe. Introduce it early and keep it running throughout; the founders bring it up again during the frustration work. [source: Ten Tips; Oprah.com; Kripalu schedule]
• Steps: [source: Oprah.com quoting Hendrix and Hunt; Ten Tips]
  1. Each partner tells the other which comments, tones or looks feel like put-downs.
  2. Both commit to stopping them, including "constructive" criticism.
  3. When one slips, the other doesn't retaliate. They say they want to hear what matters to the partner but are hearing only a put-down, and ask for it to be said again without the negativity.
  4. The partner rethinks and says it again as a request or an "I" statement. Frustrations still get voiced, just in a different way.
  5. Optional tracking: a shared calendar where both can see it. Each day with no negativity gets a smiley sticker and each day with any gets a frown, and both partners own the result together.
  • The founders' public "Zero Negativity Challenge" (a fixed-length challenge) exists, but its duration and rules are not given here. [uncertain]
• Example language: Founders' wording for the repair: "I know you just said something that's important to you" [source: Oprah.com]. Therapist (illustrative): "That landed as a put-down. Can you say what you need without the jab?"
• Watch for: Being forced into silence (frustrations held in rather than reworded); one partner policing the other; keeping score. Signs it's working: more smiley days, repairs happening within minutes, fewer escalations reported. [synthesis]

4.5 Daily appreciations (including the three-appreciations ritual)

• Purpose / when: Make positive exchanges routine and train attention onto what the partner does well. Starts in session 1 of the founders' workshop. [source: Kripalu schedule; Oprah.com]
• Steps: Every night before sleep, each partner names three things the other did that day that made their life better. This means noticing the partner during the day. The receiver takes it in (mirrors it, says thank you) rather than brushing it off. [source: Oprah.com; Ten Tips on receiving] Running appreciations through the dialogue format (Sender appreciates, Receiver mirrors) matches the workshop pairing of "mirroring, appreciation, sentence stems", but its step-by-step form is not drawn on. [uncertain]
• Example language (illustrative): "One thing you did today that I appreciated was…"; Receiver: "Let me see if I got that… Is there more?"
• Watch for: Backhanded appreciations ("thanks for finally…"); general praise with nothing specific in it. Coach toward concrete behaviour. [synthesis]

4.6 Positive flooding and affirmations

• Purpose / when: An intense dose of appreciation to change how the bond feels emotionally. It appears in the closing (re-visioning) block of the founders' workshop, and affirmations sit alongside Zero Negativity in their current teaching. [source: Kripalu schedule; space-between workshop page]
• Steps: Regularly tell the partner what you appreciate across four areas: physical traits, character, behaviours and overall worth. When you run out, ask how they would like to be flooded, then add those to daily affirmations. [source: Ten Tips] Not drawn on: the workshop's in-person ritual form. Use the plain version above. [uncertain]
• Example language (illustrative): "I love your hands. I admire how stubbornly loyal you are. I loved that you called my sister. You are the best thing that's happened to me."
• Watch for: A partner who can't take praise in (shame, a history of being criticised). Slow down, and ask them to mirror one affirmation and notice what happens inside. [synthesis]

4.7 Imago work-up and the childhood challenges-and-needs dialogue

• Purpose / when: Session 2 work, covering development, childhood wounds and mate selection. It shows each partner how their caregivers' traits and early frustrations shape whom they chose and how they fight. [source: Luquet ToC; Kripalu schedule "how Imago forms… challenge and needs dialogue"]
• Steps: [source: Positive Psychology description of Imago-style worksheets; GoodTherapy] [uncertain: the official work-up forms are not drawn on, and the Positive Psychology worksheets are its own adaptations]
  1. Each partner lists the positive and negative traits of each childhood caregiver. Some versions add what the person would like to say to each caregiver.
  2. Each partner lists their childhood frustrations and how they reacted to them (e.g. pursued, withdrew, fought).
  3. Each partner also records good childhood memories, so the picture is balanced.
  4. Compare: which caregiver traits show up in the partner, and which childhood reactions show up in today's fights?
  5. Share it in dialogue. One partner sends a childhood challenge and the need it left; the other mirrors, validates and empathises; then they switch. Running it through dialogue follows the workshop's "challenge and needs dialogue", but its exact stems are not given. [uncertain]
• Example language (illustrative): "When you were small and frightened, what did you most need from the adults around you, and what did you get instead?" Receiver: "So what you needed most was… Did I get that?"
• Watch for: The work turning into a separate trauma therapy in front of the partner. Keep it focused on what the partner needs to understand, and offer individual sessions for heavy material (format allows individual sessions [source: GoodTherapy]). Also watch for blaming caregivers instead of understanding. [synthesis]

4.8 Parent-Child Dialogue

• Purpose / when: Partners take turns to share and mirror how their childhood shaped their current patterns, so the listener sees the wounded child behind the adult's reactions. Used in the empathy / reimaging phase. [source: GoodTherapy, which names it and gives no steps]
• Steps: the official script is not drawn on. [uncertain] A scaffold that stays inside the published dialogue rules: [synthesis]
  1. Appointment and safe place.
  2. The Sender talks about a typical childhood scene, the hurt in it, and what they needed most.
  3. The Receiver mirrors each part and asks for more, then validates ("It makes sense that you'd still feel… because…") and empathises.
  4. The Sender links the old need to a current trigger with the partner. The Receiver mirrors that link.
  5. Close with each partner saying what they now understand about the other. Switch roles in a later session if time runs out.
• Example language (illustrative): "Tell her what it was like in your house when you were about eight. She'll just listen and send it back."
• Watch for: Re-traumatisation (dissociation, sobbing that won't settle); the Receiver defending the Sender's parents or analysing the Sender. Signs it's working: the Receiver spontaneously softens and reframes the partner's reactivity ("no wonder you go silent when I raise my voice"). [synthesis]

4.9 Reimaging the partner

• Purpose / when: Session 3. Shifts each partner from seeing the other as an enemy to seeing them as a wounded ally. [source: Luquet ToC; Positive Psychology summary of Luquet; GoodTherapy]
• Steps: (1) Stop using generalising words ("you always", "she never"). (2) Use your partner's name. (3) Remember that current conflicts are partly rooted in the families you each grew up in, and say so out loud in dialogue ("When you… I now see the boy who…"). [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet; the step 3 example is illustrative]
• Example language (illustrative): "Instead of 'you always walk out', try 'Sam, when you leave the room, I think of how you had to hide from your dad's temper.'"
• Watch for: Insight used to excuse harmful behaviour (empathy is not permission). The shift is real when blame language drops off between sessions. [synthesis]

4.10 Holding exercise

• Purpose / when: Builds empathy and trust and gives each partner, symbolically, some of what they missed as a child. Used after the childhood work. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet]
• Steps: (1) One partner sits at the end of a sofa. (2) The other lies with their head in the holder's lap. (3) The held partner talks about what it was like for them as a child. (4) The holder listens and responds with nurture (mirroring, soothing words). (5) Switch, in the same session or a later one. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet; the switch is synthesis]
• Safety (synthesis): The touch is between the partners only, never by the therapist. Get each partner's explicit consent in advance and offer seated, side-by-side or hand-holding alternatives. Screen for sexual or physical trauma, current fear of the partner, and pain conditions. Agree a stop word. Do not use it where there is violence, coercion or an active affair crisis.
• Example language (illustrative): "Only if you both want to. Let me know if you'd like to sit side by side instead. When you're settled, tell him what it was like to be you at six."
• Watch for: Freezing, or compliance that hides discomfort; the holder taking over or interpreting. It's working when the held partner settles and the holder's voice softens. [synthesis]

4.11 Caring behaviours (re-romanticizing lists)

• Purpose / when: Session 4. Rebuild safety and pleasure through small, specific acts the partner experiences as loving. [source: Luquet ToC; Kripalu schedule; GoodTherapy]
• Steps (as reported from Getting the Love You Want): [source: Pleasure Mechanics summarising Hendrix 1988]
  1. Each partner lists specific things the other does now that make them feel loved and cared about.
  2. Each lists things the partner did during the most romantic period that they rarely do now.
  3. Each lists caring acts they have wanted but never asked for.
  4. Merge the lists and rate each item from 1 (very important) to 5 (least important).
  5. Exchange lists. Each partner does one or two items from the other's list every day for two months, as gifts and not as part of a trade.
• Example language: Book stem as reported: "I feel loved and cared about when you…" [source: Pleasure Mechanics]. Therapist (illustrative): "Make it specific and positive, something you could film: 'bring me tea in bed on Sundays', not 'be more thoughtful'."
• Watch for: Items phrased as criticism ("stop ignoring me"); a tit-for-tat ledger (go back to giving unconditionally [source: Ten Tips]); picking only easy items. It's working when each partner reports feeling cared for most days. [synthesis]

4.12 Surprises

• Purpose / when: Keeps caring from becoming routine and shows attention to what the partner wants. Session 4 / re-visioning block. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet; Kripalu schedule]
• Steps: Each partner privately keeps a list of possible surprises drawn from what the partner has mentioned. Examples: an unexpected meal, a note on the fridge, picking up on something the partner said earlier in the week. Give them now and then without announcing them. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet]
• Example language (illustrative): "Listen this week for things she mentions in passing. That's your surprise list."
• Watch for: Surprises that are really for the giver; surprises that miss (use them as information and mirror the reaction). [synthesis]

4.13 High-energy fun ("pleasure quotient", belly laughs)

• Purpose / when: Rebuild play and shared joy. Session 4 and maintenance. [source: Ten Tips; Positive Psychology summary of Luquet]
• Steps: (1) Together, list fun, high-energy activities with laughter, physical movement or deep breathing, including ones from early in the relationship. (2) Commit to one playful activity a week. [source: Ten Tips] In-session laughter games Luquet describes: a "butterfly kiss" (faces close, eyelashes brushing) and an "I can do that" copying game in which each partner adds a move until one can't keep the sequence going. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet]
• Example language (illustrative): "What did you two do early on that made you laugh until you couldn't breathe?"
• Watch for: Competitive play that turns into put-downs; activities only one partner enjoys. Check mobility and health limits. [synthesis]

4.14 Closing exits

• Purpose / when: Bring energy back into the relationship. Use it once safety is building and the couple can commit to the work. [source: Ten Tips]
• Steps: (1) Each partner identifies their exits: activities, thoughts or feelings that take them away from emotional or physical closeness. (2) Sort them into functional (e.g. work, childcare), motivated (e.g. TV, hobbies) and catastrophic (e.g. affairs, addictions). [source: Ten Tips] (3) Share them in dialogue, with no criticism from the listener. (4) Agree which exits to reduce first and what to do with the freed time. Catastrophic exits must be addressed before the rest of the work can go ahead. [steps 3–4 synthesis; affair caution consistent with GoodTherapy]
• Example language (illustrative): "Where does your energy go when it leaves the two of you? Let's list them without judging any."
• Watch for: Lists that are really accusations about the partner's exits; hidden catastrophic exits (an affair, substance use). See Section 5. [synthesis]

4.15 Behaviour Change Request (restructuring frustrations)

• Purpose / when: Session 5. Turns a frustration into a specific, positive request the partner can hear and act on. Taken together, the requests form a "blueprint for growth": what one partner asks for often draws on the other's lost or undeveloped capacity. [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet; GoodTherapy; Kripalu schedule]
• Steps: [source: Positive Psychology summary of Luquet for 1–3; the rest is synthesis because the official form is not drawn on] [uncertain]
  1. The Sender makes an appointment and names one frustration, using dialogue rules ("I" statements, no negativity).
  2. The Receiver mirrors, validates and empathises with the frustration, and the deeper childhood need under it if it comes up.
  3. The Sender states the desire behind the frustration (what they want instead), then words concrete, positive, doable requests that say exactly what, when and how often. Luquet's example: asking the partner to listen to and validate how stressful one's job is.
  4. The Receiver mirrors each request and chooses one they are willing to give as a gift. Agreement is voluntary, never an obligation.
  5. Fix a small, time-limited trial and review it next session.
• Example language (illustrative): "What would it look like if this frustration were fixed? Make it something he could do on a Tuesday evening." "Three times this week, when I get home, I'd like you to ask about my day and just mirror me for five minutes."
• Watch for: Requests that are criticisms in disguise ("stop being lazy"); vague requests ("be supportive"); demands; a Receiver who agrees and doesn't follow through (see Section 5). It's working when requests are met at least partly and the frustration comes up less often. [synthesis]

4.16 Frustration dialogue

• Purpose / when: The founders' workshop pairs it with the Behaviour Change Request, as the dialogue in which a frustration is first sent and fully heard. [source: Kripalu schedule] [uncertain: its stems and steps]
• Steps (synthesis): Run a standard Imago Dialogue (4.1) on one frustration. The Sender describes the behaviour, their feeling, and the childhood echo if they know it; the Receiver mirrors, validates and empathises. Move into a Behaviour Change Request only after the Sender confirms they feel fully heard.
• Example language (illustrative): "I feel scared and alone when plans change at the last minute. It reminds me of waiting for my dad."
• Watch for: Starting to problem-solve before the frustration has been heard. [synthesis]

4.17 Container process (resolving rage)

• Purpose / when: Session 6. Lets anger be expressed safely and in a controlled way, rather than explosively or not at all, so the listener can reach the hurt under it. Use it only when safety and dialogue skills are solid. [source: Luquet ToC; Positive Psychology]
• Steps: (1) Schedule a set time to express anger, with advance notice. (2) The listener gets ready and goes to their safe place. (3) The angry partner expresses the anger within agreed limits. (4) The listener tries to hear it and reach the pain underneath, mirroring it. [source: Positive Psychology summary] Not drawn on: the further procedural detail in Luquet's chapter (timing, sequence, aftercare). [uncertain] Safety framing that should go with it: agree limits beforehand (no insults about character, no threats, no moving toward the partner, no hitting objects near the partner); give the therapist authority to stop it; afterwards the listener confirms they can continue or asks for a pause. [synthesis]
• Example language (illustrative): "You've asked for a container. Is now still OK for you, Jo? Go to your safe place. Alex, you have a few minutes; keep it about your feelings, not her character. I'll stop us if it gets unsafe."
• Watch for: Risk: catharsis-style rage expression can intimidate, retraumatise or teach escalation. Do not use it where there has been physical violence, threats or coercive control, or where the listener is afraid of the partner (see the contraindications in Section 2). Stop if the listener freezes or the speaker can't come down within the agreed limits. It's working when the anger moves into hurt or sadness and the listener's empathy is accepted. [synthesis; contraindication source: GoodTherapy]

4.18 Relationship vision and re-visioning

• Purpose / when: Builds a shared picture of the relationship both partners want and gives the work a positive target. Used early as motivation and at the end for maintenance. [source: GoodTherapy; Kripalu schedule; Ten Tips "change your nightmare into your dream marriage"]
• Steps: (1) Each partner writes their own positive, present-tense statements of the relationship they want. (2) They share them, mirroring and discussing each. (3) Together they write a joint "dream relationship" vision from the statements they share. [source: Positive Psychology description of a mutual-vision worksheet] (4) Rate how true each statement is now and pick one to work on (synthesis). [uncertain: this is a secondary worksheet, not the founders' own form]
• Example language (illustrative): "Write it as if it's already true: 'We laugh together every day.' 'We settle disagreements by talking.'"
• Watch for: Visions that are lists of complaints about the partner; one partner's vision taking over. [synthesis]

4.19 Giving and receiving unconditionally

• Purpose / when: Runs through caring behaviours, surprises and BCRs, and stops the exchange becoming a trade. [source: Ten Tips]
• Steps: Give gifts and requested behaviours with no expectation of a return. When receiving a compliment or gift, say thank you and that it matters, rather than deflecting. [source: Ten Tips]
• Example language (illustrative): "Just take it in. Tell him what it means to you."
• Watch for: Scorekeeping ("I did three, you did one"). [synthesis]

4.20 Therapist facilitation of in-session dialogue

• Purpose / when: Every session. The founders say dialogue is practised in every session and they teach a shift from the space-within to the space-between, with the therapist moving the couple from judgment to curiosity. [source: space-between workshop page]
• Steps (synthesis; the clinician manual is not drawn on): Seat partners facing each other with the therapist to the side. Give sentence stems one at a time for the Sender to finish. Prompt the Receiver to mirror exactly. Slow the pace at signs of reactivity. Ask "Is there more?" yourself to deepen. Notice childhood links and invite the Sender to explore them. Do not interpret on the couple's behalf. Close each session with appreciations and homework.
• Example language (illustrative): "Say to him: 'And when that happens, I feel…'" "Mirror just that last bit." "Does that remind you of anything from growing up?"
• Watch for: The therapist doing too much talking; partners turning to the therapist to adjudicate. [synthesis]

5. Handling problems

The sources say little about problem-handling beyond the Zero Negativity repair, the contraindications and the warning that dialogue feels awkward at first. Most of what follows is my own synthesis and is marked that way.

• "This feels fake / robotic." Say beforehand that the structure feels awkward and becomes natural with practice [source: dialogue article]. Shorten sends to one or two sentences, let mirroring be paraphrase rather than word for word, and practise first on an appreciation or a neutral topic. [synthesis]
• Escalation or flooding in session. Stop the exchange and call up the safe place [source: Luquet via Positive Psychology]. Shrink the Sender's chunks and mirror for them if you need to. If either partner can't settle, take a short break or switch to individual time, and come back to the topic by appointment. [synthesis]
• Mirrors full of rebuttal; "you make sense, but…". Interrupt gently and ask the Receiver to mirror only what was said, then say "validation isn't agreement" again [source: Kort; dialogue article]. If the Receiver can't validate, have them say which parts make sense and ask about the rest [source: dialogue handout].
• Negativity relapses at home. Use the repair: name the put-down, ask for it to be said again without it, and track it on the shared calendar without blame [source: Oprah.com]. Explore what the critical partner is reacting to, as information about themselves [source: Ten Tips]. Pin down the triggering situations and make them dialogue appointments. [synthesis]
• Non-adherence to homework (no appointments, no caring behaviours). Ask about it with curiosity rather than as a failure. Shrink the task (one appreciation a day, one caring behaviour a week). Check whether a caring behaviour touches the giver's own wound (the growth idea [source: Luquet via Positive Psychology]) and explore that in dialogue. Do a short practice in session so the homework starts there. [synthesis]
• Requests agreed but not delivered. Review the BCR: was it specific, small and truly chosen? Swap it for an easier version, and dialogue about what got in the way. [synthesis]
• One partner pursues, the other withdraws from dialogue. Let the withdrawing partner set appointment times and how long sends last; validate the need for time (the appointment-delay rationale [source: Kort]). Make sure the pursuing partner is mirrored first so the urgency drops. [synthesis]
• Stuck in the past / repeating childhood stories without change. Bring it back to what the partner can now do differently (a BCR, a caring behaviour) and to the relationship vision. [synthesis]
• Ruptures with the therapist (feeling sided against, criticised by the structure). Use the dialogue process on yourself: mirror the complaint, validate it, empathise, then ask what would help. Look for any of your own coaching that came across as critical, and keep to Zero Negativity yourself. [synthesis]
• Ambivalence or a secret exit (affair, addiction). Catastrophic exits drain the relationship [source: Ten Tips], and an ongoing affair that is not disclosed or addressed is listed as a contraindication [source: GoodTherapy]. Hold an individual session, make your secrets policy explicit at intake, and pause the Imago processes until the exit is addressed. [synthesis]
• Violence, threats, coercive control. Screen each partner separately at intake and regularly afterwards. Domestic abuse is a contraindication [source: GoodTherapy]. Don't run conjoint dialogue, holding or container work. Move to safety planning and individual or specialist services, and follow your local safeguarding duties. [synthesis]
• Substance misuse, untreated serious mental illness, active suicidality. Contraindicated or deferred until treated [source: GoodTherapy]. If suicide risk appears, do a standard individual risk assessment and safety plan, including lethal-means counselling (secure storage or removal) with the partner's help where it is safe; go back to conjoint work only when the person is stable. [synthesis]
• Trauma triggered by childhood work or holding. Slow down, ground the person in the present, offer non-touch alternatives, and refer for individual trauma therapy in parallel; individual sessions are allowed in this model [source: GoodTherapy]. [synthesis]
• Container work that intimidates. Stop immediately and repair with dialogue. Go back to frustration dialogue and BCRs, and treat the container as off-limits for this couple from then on. [synthesis]
• Cultural or religious fit. Hendrix and Hunt present the marriage as a spiritual journey [source: Ten Tips]. Adapt the language to the couple's values, and check that sticker charts, holding and play exercises are acceptable to them. [synthesis]
• Uncertain areas for the reader: the official Parent-Child Dialogue script, the full BCR form, the founders' fixed-length Zero Negativity Challenge or the "seven stages" of differentiation. Get them from Imago training or the founders' books before using the brand name. [uncertain]

Sources

Sources:

• The way we talk and the way we listen changes everything – Hendrix & Hunt
• Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between (workshop page) – Harville & Helen
• Ten tips for a great marriage – Harville & Helen
• Getting the Love You Want, Kripalu online workshop schedule, July 2021 (PDF)
• Short-Term Couples Therapy: The Imago Model in Action, 2nd ed. – Routledge product page and ToC
• About Intentional Dialogue – Joe Kort (PDF)
• How to Dialogue (handout adapted from imagoworks) (PDF)
• Imago Relationship Therapy – GoodTherapy
• How Positivity Can Save Your Marriage – Oprah.com
• Imago Therapy: 14 Relationship Exercises & Worksheets – PositivePsychology.com
• The Reromanticizing Exercise – Pleasure Mechanics
• Intentional dialogue exercises at home – Marriage Restoration Project (no process detail)

Further reading (not drawn on): harvilleandhelen.com "What is Imago" page; harvilleandhelen.com Zero Negativity Challenge page.

Further reading (full text not drawn on):

• Hendrix, H. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. Henry Holt; later editions co-authored with Helen LaKelly Hunt.
• Luquet, W. (2007). Short-Term Couples Therapy: The Imago Model in Action (2nd ed.). Routledge. (Positive Psychology cites a 2015 printing.)
• Hendrix, H., Hunt, H. L., et al. Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between: A Clinician's Guide. W. W. Norton. [uncertain: year and full author list not confirmed]
• Hannah, M. T., et al. (2005). Imago Relationship Therapy: Perspectives on Theory (as cited by PositivePsychology.com).