Ceremony design

1. Introduction

Version followed: therapeutic ritual as van der Hart and Goossens (1987) set out leave-taking rituals in mourning therapy (preparatory, reorganisation, finalisation and follow-up phases); the ritual functions of Imber-Black, Roberts and Whiting (1988), as summarised in a published review; Fisher's (2010) preparation questions for client-authored ritual; Michael White's definitional ceremony with outsider witnesses (White 2004); and, for public secular ceremonies, the practice of Humanists UK celebrants and the Institute of Civil Funerals (IoCF) Code of Practice as those bodies publish them.

"Ceremony design" is not one psychotherapy. It covers two related practices. Therapeutic ritual is designed with a client inside therapy. Secular ceremonies (humanist and civil funerals, namings, weddings, secular congregations) are run by celebrants and community bodies outside therapy. The psychotherapist may design rituals with clients, prepare and debrief a client who takes part in a public ceremony, collaborate with or refer to celebrants, and work with what a ceremony means in the client's life. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; Humanists UK; IoCF]

How change is understood to happen, as each source puts it:

Van der Hart and Goossens treat mourning as a kind of leave-taking. On their account, traditional mourning rites give survivors a socially sanctioned frame and a time limit for grief, and where such rites are missing some survivors do not resolve their grief. A therapeutic ritual (a formal, symbolic act of taking leave) can fill that gap. They see it as especially relevant to conflicted grief, and to a lesser degree to unexpected grief. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Imber-Black, Roberts and Whiting define ritual, in the reviewer's paraphrase, as a sequence of acts believed to punctuate or promote change. They work from a resource model: families are seen first as resourceful and only second as needing therapy. [source: Friesen 1994 review of Imber-Black, Roberts & Whiting 1988]
White holds that trauma can leave people with thin conclusions about who they are. A definitional ceremony, a structured sequence of tellings and retellings before outsider witnesses, aims to restore a valued "sense of myself" and a sense of continuity in life. White takes both the term and the metaphor from the anthropologist Barbara Myerhoff. [source: White 2004]
Humanist ceremonies mark naming, partnership and death without religious content. Humanists UK describes them as written for the particular people involved and centred on their lives and connections. [source: Humanists UK, Our celebrants]

The idea that ritual has efficacy is presented here as these authors hold it. Outcome research on therapeutic ritual is not reviewed in this guide [uncertain: evidence status not verified].

2. Framework

This is a framework of practices rather than a manualised protocol. The phase structure below is van der Hart and Goossens' structure for leave-taking rituals. Fisher's three-part arc (preparing, experiencing, integrating) applies to any client-designed ritual. White's three-part ceremony is a separate format. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; Fisher 2010; White 2004]

A. Leave-taking ritual (van der Hart & Goossens 1987)

Assessment. Goals: decide whether a ritual is indicated, and for whom. Check whether the whole family carries the unresolved grief (if so, the authors prefer family therapy, which can also use rituals). Address other family tensions first. Map the client's social support and possible "standbys". Ask about keepsakes and linking objects and what they mean. Agree a preliminary contract on goals. Move on when grief is identified as the focus, motivation looks adequate and there is no dependent-grief picture.
Preparatory phase. Goals: explain how a ritual can help, confirm the client's motivation (the authors warn the work is demanding and can stir anger, including at the deceased), inform family members, and agree a definitive contract that covers the ritual's design and the joint work. In the authors' description the client attends at least weekly and may telephone between sessions. Move on once the contract is agreed.
Reorganisation phase. Most of the grief work happens here, mainly as homework: the continuous leave-taking letter, mourning observances, and handling key symbols differently. The authors expect more dreams about the deceased and a low point of despair, sometimes with suicidal thoughts, and recommend extra contact. Move on when the client is less preoccupied with the past, has dreams of taking leave and shows growing interest in the present. Decide the ending of the letter jointly with the client.
Finalisation phase. A leave-taking ceremony with the symbols (for example burning, burying, giving away, or keeping something but relating to it differently), a cleansing ritual, and a reunion ritual that celebrates the client's present relationships.
Follow-up. Other themes, a possible memorial ceremony, and private rituals for anniversaries, which the authors expect may bring sorrow back.
Session count. None is prescribed. One published case ran 21 sessions over a year and a half. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]

B. Any client-designed ritual (Fisher 2010): prepare, experience, integrate back into everyday life. Fisher argues all three need developing in therapy. Rituals may be regular, occasional or tied to particular circumstances. [source: Fisher 2010]

C. Definitional ceremony (White 2004): (1) the person tells their story while outsider witnesses listen; (2) the therapist interviews the witnesses while the person listens (the retelling); (3) the therapist interviews the person about what they heard (the retelling of the retelling). White insists the shifts between stages stay distinct and formal. [source: White 2004]

D. Public secular ceremony (celebrant-led): the celebrant meets the people involved, writes a personalised ceremony, the client checks the full written text beforehand (an IoCF requirement for funerals), the ceremony is held, and the IoCF celebrant offers a commemorative copy afterwards. The therapist's parallel phases are preparation, support around the event and debriefing [synthesis]. [source: Humanists UK, Our celebrants; IoCF Code of Practice]

3. Guiding principles

The client is the author. The ritual must fit the client's own themes and stay under the client's control; Fisher warns against the therapist becoming an "omnipotent" director. In practice: offer questions and options, never a ready-made script. [source: Fisher 2010]
Directive in structure, individual in content. Van der Hart and Goossens describe a short-term, directive, strategic approach, with each ritual designed for the individual. In practice: you hold the frame (phases, contract, timing) and the client supplies the meaning. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Find symbols; do not impose them. The aim is to discover what is meaningful to the client. In practice: ask what objects, places and words already carry the relationship. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Clear intention. Fisher, citing Farmer, says a ceremony without a clear intention loses direction and can become "empty ritual". In practice: agree a one-sentence purpose before planning any action. [source: Fisher 2010]
Not an ordeal. The ritual should not become a "benevolent ordeal". In practice: the client may slow down, change or stop at any point. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Not a way around pain. A ritual can be used defensively to escape painful material. In practice: check whether proposing a ritual is a move away from feeling. [source: Fisher 2010]
Ritual is not compulsion. Chosen, meaningful ritual differs from repetitive or compulsive behaviour. In practice: screen for OCD-type rituals before adding ritual homework. [source: Fisher 2010]
Families are resourceful. Imber-Black, Roberts and Whiting's resource model. In practice: begin with the rituals the family already has and what they do well. [source: Friesen 1994 review]
Formal structure carries the effect in witnessing. White keeps telling, retelling and response as distinct stages. In practice: do not let a definitional ceremony slide into open discussion. [source: White 2004]
Witnesses resonate; they do not evaluate. In practice: coach witnesses away from advice, praise, judgement and naming strengths. [source: White 2004]
Personal, dignified and inclusive of the people involved. This is how Humanists UK states its standard for celebrants. In practice: help the client say what makes the person or event particular, and who needs a part. [source: Humanists UK training guidelines]
Do not appropriate closed traditions. Use only what the client already has a rightful relationship with. Use a living tradition's elements only as that tradition's own institutions publish them, and with its authorities if the client wishes. Indigenous ceremonies appear only as communities themselves publish them. In practice: if a client wants to borrow from a tradition that is not theirs, explore the meaning they are after and build it from their own materials. [synthesis]
Cultural humility and consent. Use the DSM-5-TR Cultural Formulation Interview and its supplementary module on spirituality, religion and moral traditions [uncertain: not verified]. Where a client's difficulty centres on a rite, a tradition or a loss of faith, the DSM-5-TR "Religious or Spiritual Problem" can be recorded as Z65.8 (ICD-10-CM Z65.8, "Other specified problems related to psychosocial circumstances", lists religious or spiritual problem under Includes: ICD-10-CM Z65.8 (Unbound Medicine)); DSM-5-TR wording [uncertain: not verified]. In practice: ask; do not assume belief or unbelief. [synthesis]
Know your role. If you are also a trained celebrant, keep the roles separate. APA Ethics Code Standard 3.05 (Multiple Relationships) applies (APA Ethics Code). Humanists UK celebrants train and are accredited through that organisation, which provides their public liability and professional indemnity insurance. In practice: do not officiate at a current client's ceremony; refer to a celebrant who is not involved [synthesis]. [source: Humanists UK training guidelines]
Safety in the low point. Expect despair and possible suicidal thinking during reorganisation. In practice: assess risk, increase contact and agree crisis resources (988 in the US; Samaritans 116 123 in the UK and Ireland). [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; crisis numbers synthesis]

4. Intervention inventory

Items 1–17 come from the clinical sources: van der Hart and Goossens, Fisher, White, and the Imber-Black, Roberts and Whiting review. Items 18–21 are therapist-side procedures around public ceremonies and community. Their bodies' published practice is cited, and the therapist steps are marked [synthesis].

1. Assessing whether a ritual is indicated

Purpose / when: Before proposing any ritual, especially for grief that has stalled, is conflicted, or follows a sudden loss. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Take a loss history: the relationship, the circumstances of the death, what was left unsaid, guilt and anger. (2) Ask whether other family members are stuck in the same grief; if the grief is shared across the family, consider family therapy, which can use rituals too. (3) Note other family tensions and decide whether they come first. (4) Map support and identify one or two "standbys" who could be told about the work. (5) Screen for a dependent-grief picture. The authors find these clients usually cannot do the largely independent work, so put the relationship first and defer the ritual. (6) Screen for risk, depression, trauma and prolonged grief disorder as DSM-5-TR and ICD-11 describe it [uncertain: criteria not verified]. (7) Agree a preliminary contract on goals. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; step 6 synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "Some people find that a loss stays stuck partly because it was never properly marked. Before we decide whether a ritual might help, I'd like to understand what happened and who else is carrying this."
Watch for: Motivation that is really compliance. A family-wide pattern that one person's ritual will not shift. Acute suicidality or active trauma symptoms; stabilise first. Working: the client can name what is unresolved and wants to work on it.

2. Ritual history: exploring existing, missing and disrupted rituals

Purpose / when: Early on with individuals, couples and families, to see which life transitions were marked, which were skipped and which were spoiled. Imber-Black, Roberts and Whiting describe ritual functions of healing, identity, membership, belief expression, celebration and negotiation (Fisher cites Imber-Black and Roberts' later list: relating, changing, healing, believing, celebrating). [source: Friesen 1994 review; Fisher 2010]
Steps: (1) Ask about everyday rituals (meals, bedtimes), family traditions (holidays, birthdays) and life-cycle rites (namings, weddings, funerals). (2) For each, ask who took part, who was left out, what it meant, and how it has changed. (3) Look for rites that were missed, refused, rushed or disrupted, for example by pandemic restrictions, migration, estrangement or a family's rejection of a partner. (4) Use the functions above as a lens: is a gap about membership, identity, healing or belief? (5) Note any gendered or status-quo patterns; the review reports that the authors observe many normative rituals preserve traditional sex roles. [source: Friesen 1994 review; steps 1–4 synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "Which moments in your family get marked, and which pass without anyone saying anything? Was there one that should have happened and didn't?"
Watch for: Shame about a rite that never happened; conflict over whose tradition counts in mixed or interfaith families; LGBTQ+ clients whose partnerships or identities were not honoured. Working: a specific unmarked transition comes into focus.

3. Cultural, spiritual and moral formulation

Purpose / when: Before any design work, so that the ritual fits the client's beliefs (religious, humanist, mixed or uncertain) and does not borrow from closed traditions. [synthesis]
Steps: (1) Use the Cultural Formulation Interview and its supplementary module on spirituality, religion and moral traditions [uncertain: not verified]. (2) Ask what the client believes about death, continuity and meaning, and what their family believes. (3) Ask whether the client wants any religious or community authority involved; if so, collaborate with that leader with the client's consent. (4) Record a religious or spiritual problem (Z65.8) only if it is clinically central. (5) Agree what is off limits, such as elements of a tradition the client does not belong to, or anything a community holds as restricted. [synthesis; Z65.8 per ICD-10-CM via Unbound Medicine]
Example language (illustrative): "Whatever we create should fit what you actually believe, not what I believe or what anyone expects. What feels true for you about where she is now, or isn't?"
Watch for: The therapist's own secular or religious assumptions; a client who wants to adopt another culture's ceremony; family members who would be hurt by a non-religious form. Working: the client can say what kind of ritual would be honest for them.

4. Explaining the rationale and contracting

Purpose / when: In the preparatory phase, once a ritual is indicated. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Explain plainly how a ritual can help a loss move: it gives grief a form, a place and an end point. (2) Be honest that the work is demanding and can bring up intense feelings, including anger at the deceased or others. (3) Confirm motivation. (4) Agree with the client who in the family is told and how. (5) Agree a definitive contract: the ritual's outline, homework, session rhythm and between-session contact (the authors describe at least weekly sessions and telephone access). (6) Write the contract down. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; step 6 synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "This is real work, mostly done at home between sessions. It often gets harder before it gets easier. We'll agree together exactly what you'll do, and you can change it with me at any point."
Watch for: Agreement without investment; unrealistic hopes of quick relief (in the published case the client felt strained, not relieved, at the end of the rituals). Working: the client puts the task into their own words.

5. Identifying key symbols and linking objects

Purpose / when: Assessment and early reorganisation; symbols carry the relationship and later become the focus of the leave-taking. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Ask what keepsakes the client has (photos, clothing, letters, gifts) and what each means. (2) Note objects the client avoids or cannot part with. (3) Where it fits, the therapist may take one object into safekeeping at the start, which the authors say sets mourning in motion; agree this explicitly and record it [safekeeping record synthesis]. (4) Change how symbols are handled during reorganisation, for example framing a photograph and giving it a prominent place. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Example language (illustrative): "What do you still have of his that matters? Is there something you keep close, or something you can't bring yourself to look at?"
Watch for: Objects other family members also claim; the client's distress at handing an object over (it should be offered, never required). Keep anything entrusted to you safe. Working: the client's relationship to the objects starts to change.

6. Co-designing the ritual: preparation questions

Purpose / when: For any client-authored ritual (leave-taking, transition, healing, celebration). [source: Fisher 2010]
Steps: Work through Fisher's areas in the client's words: (1) the central focus or purpose (for example letting go, marking a movement, integration); (2) the symbols, objects or readings needed; (3) who should be present as helper or witness, or whether to be alone; (4) whether touching objects or people matters; (5) any other actions, and their order; (6) where and when; (7) how it will end. Then (8) check the plan against the stated intention, and (9) plan practical safety (fire, water, weather, legal access to places, who knows where the client is) [step 9 synthesis]. [source: Fisher 2010]
Example language (illustrative): "If this ritual worked, what would it have done for you? ... What would you need to have with you? Who, if anyone, should be there? How will you know it's finished?"
Watch for: The therapist's ideas creeping in; a ritual that avoids the painful core (Fisher's defensive use); unsafe or unlawful plans (scattering ashes or lighting fires where not permitted). Any touch is consented to before and during, with a right to stop, and is never sexual. Working: the plan feels like the client's, with a clear intention and a clear ending.

7. Continuous leave-taking letter

Purpose / when: The core homework of the reorganisation phase, for conflicted or unfinished grief. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Agree a fixed schedule, place and time for writing to the deceased (the authors describe daily or several times a week, at a fixed time and place); shorten sessions if tension is too high. (2) Use a separate notebook for each person or theme, so the client can see where different feelings are directed (the authors note Ebbers's one-notebook-per-theme variant). (3) Begin each sitting by rereading earlier writing; repetition is accepted. (4) Aim for the "complete message", positive and negative. (5) The client stays seated for the agreed time even when nothing comes, but is never forced to write. (6) Review the writing in session; where it helps, the therapist reads relevant passages to help organise overwhelming material. (7) Decide together when to end the letter, using the readiness signs of less preoccupation with the past, dreams of taking leave and growing interest in the present. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Example language (illustrative): "Write whatever is there, the loving parts and the furious parts. If nothing comes, just sit with the notebook until the time is up; that counts too."
Watch for: The client deciding alone to stop, which the authors see as a risk of quitting before the painful material. Escalating despair or suicidal thoughts at the low point; assess risk, increase contact and agree crisis resources (988 in the US; Samaritans 116 123 in the UK and Ireland). Working: new material appears, feelings become more differentiated, and the readiness signs above emerge.

8. Mourning observances during reorganisation

Purpose / when: To give the transitional period a felt boundary. The authors mention observances they attribute to Jewish mourning tradition, such as lighting a candle daily, abstaining from festivities or forgoing certain pleasures. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Ask what observances the client's own tradition or family offers. (2) Choose a small, clearly time-limited observance with the client. (3) Agree when it ends; it ends with the finalisation ceremony. (4) Avoid importing observances from a tradition the client does not belong to unless the client has a genuine connection and, where relevant, its authorities' guidance [synthesis]. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Example language (illustrative): "Would it help to have something small you do every day while you're doing this work, something that says 'I am in mourning right now'?"
Watch for: Observances that slide into isolation or self-punishment; family members who misread them. Working: the client feels contained rather than burdened.

9. Creating or finding new symbols

Purpose / when: When existing objects are missing (no body, no keepsakes, a pregnancy loss, an ambiguous loss) or when the client wants to express something new. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Invite the client to make a symbol (a drawing, poem or object) or to find one in nature. (2) Ask what it stands for and what will happen to it. (3) Fit it into the ritual plan (item 6). [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; step 3 synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "If there were one object that held what you want to say to her, what might it be? You could make it, or you might come across it."
Watch for: Pressure to be artistic; symbols the therapist suggests rather than the client finds. Working: the client brings something that clearly matters to them.

10. Leave-taking ceremony

Purpose / when: The finalisation phase, once the letter is complete. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Plan with the client: which symbols, where, when, who is present. (2) The client solemnly says farewell to the symbols, often by burning and/or burying them (some clients burn the letter itself, as in Fisher's example of a letter burned at a graveside). (3) Sort belongings: give some away, and keep some but relate to them differently. (4) Make clear that the goal is not to erase the memory of the deceased. (5) Plan practical safety and lawful places for fire or burial [synthesis]. (6) Debrief at the next session. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; Fisher 2010]
Example language (illustrative): "This isn't about forgetting him. It's about ending the part where you were holding all this alone. What do you want to keep, and what are you ready to let go?"
Watch for: Destroying something that is later regretted (agree which items are kept, and consider photographing items before destroying them [synthesis]); family objections about shared objects; an incomplete ritual, which the authors warn risks not truly taking leave. Working: a felt sense of an ending, even if it is sad rather than relieving.

11. Cleansing ritual

Purpose / when: Straight after the leave-taking ceremony, to mark leaving the transitional period. The authors give a long bath or shower as an example. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Let the client choose a cleansing act that fits their life and beliefs. (2) Place it immediately after the leave-taking. (3) Frame it as crossing out of the mourning period, not as washing the person away. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; step 3 synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "Is there something simple you could do afterwards that marks 'that part is over, I'm stepping back into my life'?"
Watch for: Contamination or washing compulsions; for these clients choose a non-washing act or leave this step out [synthesis]. Working: the client experiences a before and an after.

12. Reunion ritual

Purpose / when: The last part of finalisation: a symbolic celebration of the client's most important present relationships, for example a dinner with partner, family or friends. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Ask who belongs to the client's life now. (2) Plan a gathering in the client's own style. (3) The client decides whether guests know what it marks. (4) Debrief afterwards. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; steps 3–4 synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "After saying goodbye, who do you want to turn towards? What would it be like to mark that with them?"
Watch for: Isolated clients with no obvious guests; consider a smaller act, or building connection first (item 21). Working: renewed investment in present relationships.

13. Anniversary and follow-up rituals

Purpose / when: Follow-up phase. The authors expect anniversaries such as birthdays and the date of death to bring sorrow back, and suggest marking them with a private ritual. A memorial ceremony may also be discussed. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Map the dates ahead with the client. (2) Normalise the return of sorrow. (3) Plan a small private ritual for each date. (4) Consider a memorial ceremony, with or without a celebrant (item 18). [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; step 4 synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "It's likely her birthday will be hard, and that doesn't mean the work has failed. What would you like to do on that day?"
Watch for: The client reading returning grief as relapse; persistent impairing grief that may meet prolonged grief disorder criteria [uncertain: criteria not verified]. Working: anniversaries are painful but bounded.

14. Transition and membership rituals in families

Purpose / when: Life-cycle transitions such as remarriage and stepfamily formation, adoption, leaving home, separation and divorce, and re-entry after absence. Imber-Black, Roberts and Whiting's volume covers rituals across the life cycle and for issues including alcoholism, adoption and remarriage; membership rituals announce new relationships (for example membership dinners). Van der Hart and Goossens mention a transitional family ritual of furnishing a home and unwrapping old wedding gifts. [source: Friesen 1994 review; van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Steps: (1) Identify the transition and the ritual function it needs: membership, identity, healing, belief or celebration (item 2). (2) Bring all the relevant members into the design, giving children an age-appropriate say and consent or assent. (3) Combine what existing traditions the family wants to keep with new elements they invent. (4) Run through items 6 and 20. [synthesis, building on the functions in the review]
Example language (illustrative): "You've become one household, but nothing has marked that. What would make the children feel this is their home too, and not only yours?"
Watch for: A ritual imposed by one parent; children used to signal loyalty; rituals that reinforce gendered roles, a pattern the authors note in many normative rituals. Working: members describe new belonging or clearer roles.

15. Reshaping a harmful repetitive ritual

Purpose / when: When a client's private ritual has become harmful or compulsive. Fisher describes a client's compulsive scrubbing after abuse that was gradually changed to soft brushing and then limited further, with advice from the GP. [source: Fisher 2010]
Steps: (1) Distinguish meaningful ritual from compulsion (Fisher). (2) Assess for OCD, trauma-related behaviour and self-harm; where OCD is present, use evidence-based OCD treatment rather than ritual design [synthesis]. (3) With consent and medical input where the body is involved, reshape the act step by step towards something gentler that still carries meaning. (4) Review regularly. [source: Fisher 2010; steps 2–4 synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "This scrubbing has been doing a job for you since what happened. Could we look together at a gentler way of doing that job?"
Watch for: Skin damage or self-harm, which needs medical care; reinforcing a compulsion by giving it meaning. Working: less harm and less distress, and a sense of choice over the act.

16. Definitional ceremony with outsider witnesses

Purpose / when: To thicken a person's preferred identity, especially after trauma (White), by having it acknowledged before an audience. [source: White 2004]
Steps: (1) Prepare witnesses. They may be former clients who have volunteered, people from the therapist's network, or colleagues; professionals need preparation to step away from theorising and diagnosing. Brief them to avoid empathic statements, advice, opinions, judgement, praise, naming strengths, and designing interventions. (2) Telling. Interview the person about a double-storied account (the trauma and how they responded to it) while the witnesses listen. (3) Retelling. Interview the witnesses, with the person listening; witnesses speak about the person in the third person, not to them. Use White's four categories: the particular expressions that caught their attention; the images of the person's life and identity those evoked and what they suggest about purposes and values; why it touched them personally, in their own history; and where it has moved them in thinking, self-understanding or options for action. If a witness opens with superlatives, redirect them to specifics. (4) Retelling of the retelling. Witnesses return to the audience; interview the person about what they heard and what it stirred. (5) Keep the transitions formal. (6) Welcome follow-up acts by witnesses, such as letters or cards, which White calls an extended performance of catharsis. [source: White 2004]
Example language (illustrative): To a witness: "What words of hers stayed with you? ... What picture did that give you of what she cares about? ... What is it in your own life that made those words stand out? ... Where has listening taken you?" To the person: "What did you hear them say that you want to hold on to?"
Watch for: Witnesses giving speeches or advice; the person being drawn into dialogue during the retelling; confidentiality agreements with witnesses [synthesis]; trauma telling that overwhelms (stay with the response side of the double story) [synthesis]. Working: the person takes up words or images from the witnesses and links them to their values and next steps.

17. Re-membering conversation (as preparation or as a ceremony element)

Purpose / when: To recall life as a "club" whose members have contributed to one's identity. It is often used with outsider witnesses. This draws on White (2011) as summarised in a community-practice adaptation [uncertain: not verified against White 2011]. [source: CCT Definitional Ceremony page]
Steps: (1) Ask the person about someone who would not be surprised by what they are doing now. (2) Explore what that person contributed to their life, and what the person contributed to theirs. (3) Explore what they appreciated and how the connection feels now. (4) Optionally follow with an outsider-witness retelling and the person's response, as in item 16. (5) Close with thanks. [source: CCT Definitional Ceremony page]
Example language (illustrative): "Who in your life, alive or not, would not be surprised to hear you've taken this step? What would they say they'd seen in you?"
Watch for: Abusive figures who should not be re-admitted to the "club"; the person controls membership [synthesis]. Working: a sense of being accompanied and recognised.

18. Preparing a client to work with a celebrant

Purpose / when: A client is arranging a non-religious or personalised funeral, naming, wedding or memorial. Humanists UK celebrants meet the people involved first. Funeral celebrants talk with family and friends about the deceased's life and legacy, wedding celebrants learn the couple's story, and naming celebrants discuss the family's hopes for the child. Ceremonies are written for the occasion. Under the IoCF Code of Practice, civil funeral celebrants usually meet the client face to face, base the tribute on factually correct information from more than one source, encourage family participation, show the client the full written text to check before the funeral, and offer a commemorative copy afterwards. A civil funeral may include religious material on request. [source: Humanists UK, Our celebrants; IoCF Code of Practice]
Steps: (1) Explore what kind of ceremony fits the deceased's and the client's beliefs: humanist (non-religious), civil (shaped by the client's wishes, may include religious elements), religious, or mixed. (2) Help the client prepare for the celebrant meeting: stories, key facts, music, readings, who wants to speak. (3) Anticipate family disagreement about content or tone, and rehearse how the client will raise it. (4) Remind the client that they can ask to check and amend the draft. (5) Plan support for the day itself. [synthesis; ceremony practice per Humanists UK and IoCF]
Example language (illustrative): "The celebrant will want to hear about his life in your words. What are the three or four stories that, for you, are really him?"
Watch for: Conflict between relatives over religious and non-religious content; the client being sidelined by more powerful family members; grief that makes decisions impossible right now. Working: the client feels their version of the person will be present in the ceremony.

19. Supporting a client's spoken contribution or vows

Purpose / when: The client will give a tribute, a reading or vows. Humanists UK says contributions from friends and family should be included, and the IoCF code encourages family participation. [source: Humanists UK training guidelines; IoCF Code of Practice]
Steps: (1) Clarify the message the client wants to convey. (2) Draft it with the client in their own voice. (3) Rehearse it aloud in session. (4) Plan a fallback, such as the celebrant or a friend reading it if the client cannot. (5) Prepare for strong emotion on the day. [synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "If your voice goes, that's all right; people will understand. Would you like the celebrant to hold a copy, just in case?"
Watch for: Perfectionism; including painful or contested truths in a public tribute (help the client weigh the private letter of item 7 against public speech). Working: the client feels able to speak, or has chosen not to, without shame.

20. Debriefing and integration after a ritual or ceremony

Purpose / when: After any designed ritual or public ceremony. Fisher holds that integration back into everyday life is one of a ritual's three phases and needs attention in therapy. [source: Fisher 2010]
Steps: (1) Ask what happened, moment by moment. (2) Ask what felt true and what felt empty or wrong. (3) Explore what changed, and what did not. (4) Look at what, if anything, from it the client wants to carry into everyday life (an object, a phrase, a practice). (5) Look at any family fallout. (6) Plan next steps, which may include another ritual later. [source: Fisher 2010 for the integration phase; steps synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "Walk me through it. Where in the ceremony did you feel most present? Was there a moment that felt wrong?"
Watch for: Anticlimax or disappointment (in van der Hart and Goossens' case the client felt strained rather than relieved and then grieved her "lost years"); ceremonies run by others that misrepresented the person. Working: the experience becomes part of the client's ongoing story.

21. Connecting a client with a secular community

Purpose / when: Non-religious clients who want regular communal ritual, belonging or a way to mark the year. Sunday Assembly, founded by the comedians Sanderson Jones and Pippa Evans, first met on 6 January 2013 at The Nave in Islington. It describes itself as secular and inclusive, with the values Live Better, Help Often, Wonder More. Gatherings include communal singing of pop songs with a live band and talks, sometimes with poetry, performance and games, and members run smaller groups. Local humanist groups are another option [uncertain: local provision not verified]. [source: Sunday Assembly London]
Steps: (1) Explore what the client misses: community, singing, ritual time, service to others. (2) Look at options together, secular and, if the client wishes, religious. (3) Treat attending as a behavioural-activation step with a planned debrief. (4) Review fit, not just attendance. [synthesis]
Example language (illustrative): "You said you miss having somewhere to go on a Sunday where people know you. Would you want to see what's around, religious or not?"
Watch for: Social anxiety, and a group's culture that does not suit the client; for clients who have left high-demand religious groups, apparent pressure to belong [synthesis]. Working: a sense of belonging and regular contact.

5. Handling problems

Client cannot do the independent homework (dependent grief). Van der Hart and Goossens find these clients generally cannot carry out the work, so the therapeutic relationship takes priority and the ritual waits for a later stage. Response: offer more sessions, smaller in-session ritual acts, and come back to the letter later. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
The low point: despair, depression, suicidal thoughts. The authors expect this during reorganisation and add contact, explanation and sometimes medication. Response: do a structured risk assessment and safety planning; increase contact; agree crisis resources (988 in the US; Samaritans 116 123 in the UK and Ireland); liaise with the prescriber or GP about medication (never advise starting, stopping or changing a medicine yourself). Lethal-means counselling covers safe storage and removal only. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; risk procedures synthesis]
Setbacks and "it isn't working". The authors reframe setbacks as a sign that more work is needed, while warning against turning the ritual into a benevolent ordeal. Response: look at what is being avoided, simplify the task, or pause the ritual. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Non-adherence with the letter. Response: check the schedule is realistic and the setting private; shorten sittings when tension is high (the authors allow this); explore whether a particular notebook or theme is being avoided; rereading earlier entries may help restart. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987; avoidance inquiry synthesis]
Client wants to stop the letter early, alone. The authors see this as a risk of avoiding painful material. Response: name the readiness signs, review them together and agree the ending. [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]
Ritual used to escape pain. Fisher warns that rituals can be used defensively. Response: slow down, return to talking about the loss itself, and keep ritual embedded in the therapy. [source: Fisher 2010]
Therapist over-directing (the "omnipotent" therapist). Response: give design back to the client using the item 6 questions; ask whose idea each element was. [source: Fisher 2010]
Overwhelm during a ceremony or telling. Response: agree beforehand on a pause signal and a supporter; in outsider-witness work, keep the focus on the person's responses to trauma; ground and stabilise before going on. [synthesis; double-story framing per White 2004]
Witnesses go off-script (advice, applause, superlatives, problem-solving). White redirects superlatives to specifics and coaches witnesses away from advice and praise. Response: interrupt kindly and re-ask a question from one of the four categories. [source: White 2004]
Empty or disappointing ritual. Fisher (citing Farmer) links empty ritual to an unclear intention. Response: revisit the purpose; consider whether the ritual was the client's or someone else's; design a smaller, more personal act. [source: Fisher 2010]
Family conflict over the ceremony (religious or non-religious, who speaks, who is excluded). Response: help the client separate what they control (a private ritual) from what is shared (the public ceremony); a civil ceremony may include religious material on request, which can bridge differences; a separate private ritual can sit beside a family-led rite. [source: IoCF Code of Practice; remainder synthesis]
Missed, refused or disrupted rites (pandemic restrictions, migration, estrangement, a partner barred from a funeral). Response: assess grief and shame; design a later ritual of the client's own (items 6, 10, 13); consider a memorial ceremony with a celebrant. [synthesis]
LGBTQ+ clients and unrecognised relationships. A partnership or identity a family did not honour. Response: affirm the client's right to mark it; plan a ceremony with chosen family; prepare for family reactions. [synthesis]
Children and young people. Response: involve them at an age-appropriate level, with assent as well as parental consent, and never make a child carry a ritual for adults. Safeguarding takes precedence over any ritual plan. [synthesis]
Requests to use another culture's or a closed tradition's ceremony. Response: explore the meaning the client is after; build from the client's own heritage and materials; where a living tradition is involved, use only what its institutions publish openly, and involve its authorities if the client wishes; never reproduce restricted or initiatory content. [synthesis]
Dual roles: the therapist as celebrant. Celebrants such as those of Humanists UK train, are assessed and accredited by that body, and are insured through it. Response: do not officiate for current clients; if you serve both roles in a small community, discuss it with a supervisor and document consent. APA Ethics Code Standard 3.05 applies. [source: Humanists UK training guidelines; APA Ethics Code; handling synthesis]
Prolonged or complicated grief beyond ritual work. Response: assess for prolonged grief disorder as DSM-5-TR and ICD-11 describe it [uncertain: criteria not verified] and offer or refer for grief-focused treatment; for suicide bereavement, follow safe-messaging practice and give crisis resources. [synthesis]
Practical and legal risks (fire, burial, scattering ashes, outdoor locations, weather). Response: check that places and acts are lawful and safe, that someone knows where the client is, and that there is a weather plan. [synthesis]

Sources

Web sources:

Books cited (as referenced in the sources above):

Imber-Black, E., Roberts, J., & Whiting, R. (1988). Rituals in Families and Family Therapy. New York: W. W. Norton. (A later edition is listed by Norton [uncertain: edition year not verified].)
Imber-Black, E., & Roberts, J. (1992). Rituals for Our Times. (as cited by Fisher 2010) [uncertain: publisher not verified]
White, M. (2011). Narrative Practice: Continuing the Conversation. New York: Norton. (as cited on the CCT page)
Myerhoff, B. (1982, 1986), cited by White (2004) as the source of "outsider witness" and "definitional ceremony" [uncertain: titles not verified].

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